Welcome friends to a totally useless new segment of my blog where I take a well known character from a movie (likely 80’s, likely cheesy) and script the remainder of their life after the cameras stopped rolling. Basically, I am providing the “Behind the Music” storyline for fictional characters that you probably never cared about in the first place. Got it? Good.
Our first subject is Mr. Chozen Toguchi. Now, your first question is probably “Who the hell is Chozen Toguchi?” Good question. The “Chozen One” (nickname for a guy you don’t even know – I am awesome) is the Okinawan antagonist of a spry young karate fellow named Daniel LaRusso. You may know Mr. LaRusso more commonly as “Daniel-San” or “the guy who sure gets his ass kicked a lot” or “weird kid who hangs out with the old asian guy – is there something we don’t know going on there” from the Karate Kid films. “Cho-Goo” (again with the nicknames – I’m on fire!) is the nephew of Sato Toguchi, overlord of the Okinawa village, and a real badass karate dude who really doesn’t take to Mr. LaRusso and proceeds to mostly kick his ass through the first 87 minutes of the film. Below is a link to the trailer if you need a memory refresher.
When we last saw “Margaret Cho” (I’m just going to keep them going at this point), he was on the wrong end of a fight to the death with Daniel San. He was clearly the more adept of the two with regard to karate skills and, no less importantly, shimmying down a set of Asian lanterns to kidnap a Geisha dancer. However, “the Gooch” was unable to properly defense the Drum technique, which to the outside observer seemed to be a method of punching that involved moving your torso back and forth in a sweeping motion. Not exactly Keanu-in-the-Matrix level fighting sophistication here, but it worked for Daniel-San. Our last contact with “Cho-Dawg” is his request to die at the hands of Daniel-San. This request was mostly likely derived from embarrassment in regard to getting his ass kicked by a guy in faded mom jeans who fights like a 3 year old. Daniel-San treats “Cho and tell” to the ultimate disrespect by not only denying this request to die, but by honking the nose of this once proud warrior. Cutting to the chase, things did not end well for “Cho Montana”.
Now, here is where I come in. I know you are all dying to know what happened next. This is my gift to the world. To provide details of the rest of “Cho-do Baggins” life for your entertainment. And here we go...
Let’s pick it up immediately after “The Honk” (as it is commonly known – at least to me). First off, how the hell did he get off that mini-island? After all, no one helped Daniel-San or that girl after some crazy bastard came flying in with a knife and threatened to kill them both, so the 3 inches of moat water either had some nasty ass sharks or was filled with pure rip-your-face-off type acid. No other explanations are acceptable. Well, after speaking with “Cho-Jam”, I was shocked to know that he was indeed stuck on that island for some time, but similar to “Castaway”, he fashioned a Wilson-esque boat made of all the floating lanterns in the pond to safely guide his way past BOTH the sharks and the acid. Crazy right?
Next, the “Zen master” obviously had to flee his village. No one wants to be the guy who didn’t save the cute little girl in the storm and then got his honor taken and ass kicked by the white guy in beat up Nikes. So, “Guchi Handbag” decided to be on the next flight to the good old United States. Ironically, he ended up on the same flight back as Daniel-San and Miyagi. Talk about awkward, especially when they both had to stand in line for the coach bathroom about 10 hours in flight and Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love” was playing on the overhead speaker. It's safe to say little to no eye contact was made during the song. Since he hadn’t yet studied the replay tapes to figure out how to successfully defend the Drum, “Clam Cho-wder” (okay, I’m getting desperate) decided to let this one slide. Also, he had to take a mean deuce and wasn’t about to lose his place in line by fighting.
Since living in the states, “Chozen Charge” (get it? Think Scott Baio) has kept pretty quiet, until recently. This is a little known fact, but the “Gangnam Style” dance is actually a patented method for defensing the drum technique. Think about it... when someone presents a move that Larry, Curly, or Moe wouldn’t have fallen for, what better way to defend it than getting on a fake horse and circling them like a crazy person? In fact, “Opa Gangnam Style” is actually translated from Korean to English as “Don’t bring that weak ass drum out, or I will go all “horse” on your ass”. “Cho-nie loves Chachi” (a Baio shout out double-feature – don’t try this at home) is now enjoying his more anonymous lifestyle but with significantly higher wealth and freedom. It’s certainly better than the days of toiling under a ruthless overlord like Uncle Sato and cheating farmers with bad weights.
You know, some say “all’s well that ends well”. It certainly seems that way for the “Hoochie Guchi Man” (last one I promise). He may have lost his honor in that temple in Okinawa, but the royalties from a ridiculous dance move have provided him hoards of women, tons of cash, and the best lawyers in the world to defend him against all his “alleged” Geisha kidnappings. Daniel-San may have got the first honk, but who really got the last laugh?
JB3
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