Here is the thing - I like beer. I started my beer life by tolerating it. It was an ends justify the means relationship. I have since grown to appreciate the method, not just the madness that tends to follow. I now enjoy different species of beer and I would say my palate has grown from "cheap and a lot" to "just a couple that taste good".
Here is what I don't like about beer lately. It is becoming wine. Not in the "cool trick that only Jesus can pull off" kind of way, but in a "I now want to shoot myself after the 15 minute diatribe on the hint of honeydew and raindrops in this amber bock" kind of way.
This is beer people. Beer is a ballgame, wine is a cheese tasting. Beer is hockey, wine is polo. Beer is meant for the masses. It is a salt of the earth beverage imbibed by people who bust their ass for a living. Wine is pretentious. Wine likes you to know how damn hard it was to become what you are drinking. Beer just says "hey, take off your shoes, turn on the tube, and enjoy". Just check out the names: Bud, Sam, and Miller versus Ernest and Julio Gallo. Beer has the Hamms' Bear or the Schmidt Fish on it. Wine typically has a bridge or meadow on the bottle. Lastly, wine never came in a can that you can smash on your forehead.
The funny thing is, beer and wine were both just fine in their roles. Beer was happy with the blue collars and wine was just peachy among the aristocracy. Then something happened along the way. Be it the microbrew phenomenon (which I support) or just the hipster movement looking for something else to be a pseudo-expert on (which I fully denounce), beer conversations started sounding more like wine conversations.
Forgive me for going all Ron Swanson here, but waitress, don't tell me where my beer comes from or its back story. Here is what I want to know. 1) Is it cold? 2) Is it good? 3) How much does it cost? I need help with #1 and #3 - the rest I can handle on my own.
What I don't need is the chronicle of the harrowing journey of the hops and barley from field to bottle. I don't need a limited edition, only tap it when the sun sets at 6:37pm every April beer. And I really don't need an instruction guide on how to drink it and what to pair it with. Here are my instructions for beer: Open, Drink, Recycle. Here are my pairings for beer: Meat, Wings, Pizza.
What I am trying to say is life is complicated enough. Quit adding complexity and substance to something that works best with simplicity. If you want to be an expert on your beer's origin, fine, you paid your money. However, before you look down at the guy enjoying his Budweiser at the local watering hole, just remember, he was beer before beer was cool, and he doesn't give two shits about its origin. He likes it, and that is all he needs to know.
JB3
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Who Wants to Manhandle Larry O'Brien in June?
No, I didn't get hacked by a male escort service. Larry O'Brien is the namesake of the NBA Championship trophy, and this piece is going to dissect who I believe will be hoisting him up, kissing and hugging on him at the end of the season. We'll work it from least to most likely, and "Here We Go!" (Did you see that Bud Light? Worked the slogan right in there... how about a sponsorship?... Hello?... Don't you hang up on me!)
16) Orlando Magic: Without D-Howard, the Magic protect the rim about as well as that security guard that got the rocking chair from Costanza. Barring some 3 point barrage from the Magic, this series will likely end quickly and painfully. I have said this before and I will say it again. What Dwight did to Orlando was worse than what LeBron did to Cleveland. Cleveland got shot in the head on national TV. Dwight held the victim hostage and repeatedly stabbed them. Shouldn't Orlando say yes to Howard to the Lakers for Bynum and a #1 pick just to get rid of the drama?
15) Utah Jazz: I appreciate the pick for my T-Wolves, but I just don't see them making it past San Antonio. I know people are mentioning Memphis of last year, but Parker is going to destroy Devin Harris, and Utah isn't as good on perimeter defense as Memphis was last year. They make take a game, maybe two, but that's about it. It was fun watching Big Shot Al give the Wolves a sorely needed 1st rounder though. I was Da Da Da Da Da, Loving It (McDonald's - see Bud Light above)
14) Philadelphia 76ers: Sorry, not enough here. They need to move Iggy for a big to make waves in the playoffs. Also, they are kind of boring. Unless Doug Collins brings back the tighty whitey fro from the 1980's Bulls teams, I'm just not watching.
13) Atlanta Hawks: This is not a team built for a ring, especially without Horford. They will give Boston fits, but they can't contain Rondo, and that will be their downfall. Even if they snuck by Boston, which these guys are the first team that I feel could win their first round matchup, Joe J and Josh Smith aren't taking you to the promiseland alone.
12) LA Clippers: They don't have it between the ears. Sorry, Blake Griffin isn't in Kevin Love's class right now. If it is a highlight reel I am looking for, I call Blake. If I want to win basketball games in the NBA, I call for Love (1-976-LOVE to be specific). 55% from the stripe and no real discernable post moves for your second best player will be a problem. Hack a Griffin will be popular and will work because it will affect him mentally. I really like Chris Paul's game, but he has to do way too much for them to win. Kind of like D. Rose last year.
11) Dallas Mavericks: Too many changes for them to make a title run. They will make it tough on OKC in what should be a good first round series. Dirk has looked high on a ring for most of the year - he doesn't seem to have the same "Germanation" (short for German Determination) as last year. Deron Williams will make this a much tougher team to play in 2012-2013. It is done, sign off and move on.
10) NY Knicks: Don't let them fool you. Miami needs to end this early. They can't afford to get this to 6 or 7 games. Game 6 at MSG will be INSANE and if it goes to 7, Miami's fans will have too much poop in their pants to stand up and cheer. Kill 'em quick, or see the end of the Big Two and Predator (I liked when Bosh had the dreads because he looked just like Predator - even with the short hair, he looks like Predator going for a job interview)
9) Denver Nuggets: I really think if they had the home court advantage, they could take the Lake. Too bad they don't, because this team is actually fun to watch. Ty Lawson would have looked great as an energy guy in a T-Wolves uniform, and I think he can pick apart the Lakers (more on this later). Javale's not ready for prime time yet, but watch out for the sneaky Nuggets - they are building something interesting here. This series gets my vote for most fun to watch.
8) Indiana Pacers: When they signed D. West, they set themselves up as a playoff scare. Couldn't be a better situation for them that the Magic are in without Dwight, but unless the Knicks do pull the upset of all upsets, I don't see much for them in the 2nd round. Not as fun to watch as Denver, and PG not as trustworthy, but a solid, hustling team that is a tough out and has some similarities to Memphis last year.
7) Boston Celtics: I am one of the guys that would love to see a last ditch run, but after this season, the legs can't be what they once were. 66 games in what felt like 67 days is just too much. Playoffs need deep rosters, Boston has Stiemsma in a prominent role. Sorry, I don't see it. On the bright side, the Wolves have plenty of cap space to get Ray Ray on a 2 year deal and KG on a midlevel exception! As crazy and psycho as KG's Championship speech was, don't you want to see him end it with another one for the 'Sota??? Come on, that would be some great TV right there.
6) San Antonio Spurs: Slightly better than the Celts, but the same problems. Parker can do more than Rondo in the playoffs because he can score and hit free throws, but they are facing the same foe - Father Time. I really like Popovich, I think he should win coach of the year in a landslide, but I just don't know if they have the gas to finish off some of these tough West teams.
5) LA Lakers: Kobe, Bynum, Gasol. That's it, but that is a really good "it". It will get them past Denver, but I think these guys are looking at a 2nd round out. The trade deadline was so funny to me. Ramon Sessions, a guy the WOLVES DIDN'T WANT ANYMORE, is the playoff savior for the Lakers because he isn't as bad as the corpse that used to be Derek Fisher? Please. Ty Lawson is going to eat him alive.
4) Chicago Bulls: Sorry, what is different than last year? These guys play great defense, play extremely hard, and will be a tough out for anyone. However, Rose still needs to play great for them to win and he is more banged up this year than last. I like Thibodeau a lot, and the Bulls are a model for how you should play defense and play together, but they still can't create their own shot. Rip isn't enough, I don't see them making the Finals.
3) Memphis Grizzlies: One of the best perimeter defense teams out there with athletic wings and they can protect the middle as well. You need to guard 3 guys on offense at all times which leaves open shots for others and the bench is pretty deep. The wildcard is crazy Zach Randolph. If he plays like last year, I believe this team makes the finals. However, he played out of his insane little mind last year - I can't predict that happening again.
2) Oklahoma City Thunder: They slipped late, which has people worried, and the coach is overmatched in most chess games (with the exception of Vinny Del Negro, who plays checkers), but this team is built to win this year. If Harden is full strength, there are 3 guys who can go for big offense and Ibaka protects the rim about as well as anyone. Westbrook still plays a little too crazy, but when you have 3 guys that can win games for you, along with a better supporting cast than the Lake Show, I don't see what derails them. They are beatable, but I think they have to be the favorite out of the West.
1) Miami Heat: Sorry to be so boring and I know this is not a deep team. However, James and Wade are just too tough, they are a smidgen better at working together, and James is not shooting dumb outside shots as frequently. When LeBron posts, with the way he passes, it makes it so difficult for any team to match up. I know the chokes, I know the interior defense is bad, and I said the Knicks have a shot at taking them. However, they faced a buzzsaw team last year that was playing with a ton of confidence (Jason Terry - are you kidding me?) or else they would have won the title. They are better this year and I think they finish it off this time.
Brackets:
SA over Utah in 5 Chicago over Philly in 4
Memphis over Clips in 6 Boston over Atlanta in 6
Lakers over Denver in 7 Indiana over Orlando in 4
OKC over Dallas in 6 Miami over NYK in 5
Memphis over SA in 6 Chicago over Boston in 6
OKC over Lakers in 6 Miami over Indiana in 4
OKC over Memphis in 7 Miami over Chicago in 6
Miami over OKC in 6
16) Orlando Magic: Without D-Howard, the Magic protect the rim about as well as that security guard that got the rocking chair from Costanza. Barring some 3 point barrage from the Magic, this series will likely end quickly and painfully. I have said this before and I will say it again. What Dwight did to Orlando was worse than what LeBron did to Cleveland. Cleveland got shot in the head on national TV. Dwight held the victim hostage and repeatedly stabbed them. Shouldn't Orlando say yes to Howard to the Lakers for Bynum and a #1 pick just to get rid of the drama?
15) Utah Jazz: I appreciate the pick for my T-Wolves, but I just don't see them making it past San Antonio. I know people are mentioning Memphis of last year, but Parker is going to destroy Devin Harris, and Utah isn't as good on perimeter defense as Memphis was last year. They make take a game, maybe two, but that's about it. It was fun watching Big Shot Al give the Wolves a sorely needed 1st rounder though. I was Da Da Da Da Da, Loving It (McDonald's - see Bud Light above)
14) Philadelphia 76ers: Sorry, not enough here. They need to move Iggy for a big to make waves in the playoffs. Also, they are kind of boring. Unless Doug Collins brings back the tighty whitey fro from the 1980's Bulls teams, I'm just not watching.
13) Atlanta Hawks: This is not a team built for a ring, especially without Horford. They will give Boston fits, but they can't contain Rondo, and that will be their downfall. Even if they snuck by Boston, which these guys are the first team that I feel could win their first round matchup, Joe J and Josh Smith aren't taking you to the promiseland alone.
12) LA Clippers: They don't have it between the ears. Sorry, Blake Griffin isn't in Kevin Love's class right now. If it is a highlight reel I am looking for, I call Blake. If I want to win basketball games in the NBA, I call for Love (1-976-LOVE to be specific). 55% from the stripe and no real discernable post moves for your second best player will be a problem. Hack a Griffin will be popular and will work because it will affect him mentally. I really like Chris Paul's game, but he has to do way too much for them to win. Kind of like D. Rose last year.
11) Dallas Mavericks: Too many changes for them to make a title run. They will make it tough on OKC in what should be a good first round series. Dirk has looked high on a ring for most of the year - he doesn't seem to have the same "Germanation" (short for German Determination) as last year. Deron Williams will make this a much tougher team to play in 2012-2013. It is done, sign off and move on.
10) NY Knicks: Don't let them fool you. Miami needs to end this early. They can't afford to get this to 6 or 7 games. Game 6 at MSG will be INSANE and if it goes to 7, Miami's fans will have too much poop in their pants to stand up and cheer. Kill 'em quick, or see the end of the Big Two and Predator (I liked when Bosh had the dreads because he looked just like Predator - even with the short hair, he looks like Predator going for a job interview)
9) Denver Nuggets: I really think if they had the home court advantage, they could take the Lake. Too bad they don't, because this team is actually fun to watch. Ty Lawson would have looked great as an energy guy in a T-Wolves uniform, and I think he can pick apart the Lakers (more on this later). Javale's not ready for prime time yet, but watch out for the sneaky Nuggets - they are building something interesting here. This series gets my vote for most fun to watch.
8) Indiana Pacers: When they signed D. West, they set themselves up as a playoff scare. Couldn't be a better situation for them that the Magic are in without Dwight, but unless the Knicks do pull the upset of all upsets, I don't see much for them in the 2nd round. Not as fun to watch as Denver, and PG not as trustworthy, but a solid, hustling team that is a tough out and has some similarities to Memphis last year.
7) Boston Celtics: I am one of the guys that would love to see a last ditch run, but after this season, the legs can't be what they once were. 66 games in what felt like 67 days is just too much. Playoffs need deep rosters, Boston has Stiemsma in a prominent role. Sorry, I don't see it. On the bright side, the Wolves have plenty of cap space to get Ray Ray on a 2 year deal and KG on a midlevel exception! As crazy and psycho as KG's Championship speech was, don't you want to see him end it with another one for the 'Sota??? Come on, that would be some great TV right there.
6) San Antonio Spurs: Slightly better than the Celts, but the same problems. Parker can do more than Rondo in the playoffs because he can score and hit free throws, but they are facing the same foe - Father Time. I really like Popovich, I think he should win coach of the year in a landslide, but I just don't know if they have the gas to finish off some of these tough West teams.
5) LA Lakers: Kobe, Bynum, Gasol. That's it, but that is a really good "it". It will get them past Denver, but I think these guys are looking at a 2nd round out. The trade deadline was so funny to me. Ramon Sessions, a guy the WOLVES DIDN'T WANT ANYMORE, is the playoff savior for the Lakers because he isn't as bad as the corpse that used to be Derek Fisher? Please. Ty Lawson is going to eat him alive.
4) Chicago Bulls: Sorry, what is different than last year? These guys play great defense, play extremely hard, and will be a tough out for anyone. However, Rose still needs to play great for them to win and he is more banged up this year than last. I like Thibodeau a lot, and the Bulls are a model for how you should play defense and play together, but they still can't create their own shot. Rip isn't enough, I don't see them making the Finals.
3) Memphis Grizzlies: One of the best perimeter defense teams out there with athletic wings and they can protect the middle as well. You need to guard 3 guys on offense at all times which leaves open shots for others and the bench is pretty deep. The wildcard is crazy Zach Randolph. If he plays like last year, I believe this team makes the finals. However, he played out of his insane little mind last year - I can't predict that happening again.
2) Oklahoma City Thunder: They slipped late, which has people worried, and the coach is overmatched in most chess games (with the exception of Vinny Del Negro, who plays checkers), but this team is built to win this year. If Harden is full strength, there are 3 guys who can go for big offense and Ibaka protects the rim about as well as anyone. Westbrook still plays a little too crazy, but when you have 3 guys that can win games for you, along with a better supporting cast than the Lake Show, I don't see what derails them. They are beatable, but I think they have to be the favorite out of the West.
1) Miami Heat: Sorry to be so boring and I know this is not a deep team. However, James and Wade are just too tough, they are a smidgen better at working together, and James is not shooting dumb outside shots as frequently. When LeBron posts, with the way he passes, it makes it so difficult for any team to match up. I know the chokes, I know the interior defense is bad, and I said the Knicks have a shot at taking them. However, they faced a buzzsaw team last year that was playing with a ton of confidence (Jason Terry - are you kidding me?) or else they would have won the title. They are better this year and I think they finish it off this time.
Brackets:
SA over Utah in 5 Chicago over Philly in 4
Memphis over Clips in 6 Boston over Atlanta in 6
Lakers over Denver in 7 Indiana over Orlando in 4
OKC over Dallas in 6 Miami over NYK in 5
Memphis over SA in 6 Chicago over Boston in 6
OKC over Lakers in 6 Miami over Indiana in 4
OKC over Memphis in 7 Miami over Chicago in 6
Miami over OKC in 6
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Loving Road House (and you should too)
For those that don't know, Road House is the 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze. The premise is an all-world "cooler" (head bouncer for you not familiar with bar biz lingo) named Dalton faces off against a small town overlord in the fight for... well... I don't really know. But they are fightin', and the fightin' is good!
Now when I say you should love Road House, this is not in a Schindler's List or Bridge on the River Kwai kind of way. This is not a good movie, this is a cheesy movie at its finest. Terrible premise, bad acting, gratuitous boob shots, and some of the best 80's hair you will ever see. Here are the top 5 reasons you need to not only watch Road House, but appreciate it for the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.
1) Bouncers/Henchmen: The bouncers and henchmen in Road House each cast a very distinctive niche, and many are noteworthy. Starting with Steve the Bouncer - Steve is the MAN! Steve don't care if that's a Sears credit card, get your underage ass in here and party. Dalton, you gonna fire Steve for hammering that same girl? Well, he WAS on his break. Steve is like a sexy honey badger. Other bouncers include Terry Funk (yes, Terry "I'm so hot, I'm juicy" Funk) - who uses his wrasslin' experience to go from face to heel and never does go to Barber College. Also, we have token "ultra fat" guys on each side. The ultra fat bouncer is just a generally jolly guy that is all smiles, rolls, and curly mullet and is just generally happy to have a job. The ultra fat henchman is "Tinker" (of course he is), and is pretty lovable for a guy who beats up old guys and manages to get a knife slash on Dalton. Tiny gets the last line of the movie with "A Polar Bear fell on me". That should tell you all you need to know about the awesomeness of Road House.
2) Dalton's hair: Swayze hair at its absolute apex. It's a feathered mullet. Let me repeat. FEATHERED MULLET! Even with that awesome description, it still doesn't do it justice. Dalton's hair is in the same category as Kojak's lollipop, Luke's lightsaber, or Dirk Diggler's uhhh... other Dirk. The movie just wouldn't be the same without it. I say if chicks can go to the salon and ask for the "Rachel", dudes should be able to hit up a cost cutters for a "Dalton"
3) Cooler Rankings: Supposedly, Dalton is the "Best Damn Cooler in the Business". Seriously, who is responsible for these rankings, because I want to be involved. What are the criteria? Drunk dude throwing capability, speed of delivery of matches for cigarette lighting, witty repartee while maintaining eye contact with the dance floor? In the age of reality television, we really need to make "Bouncer Games" happen. The challenges would be more captivating than anything Survivor can come up with, and the fact that you have to add alcohol for realism only makes it better. Get Mark Burnett on the phone, I think I'm on to something here.
4) Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett: Has there ever been a better screen mentor than Wade Garrett? Bite Me Miyagi, I need advice from my "mijo". Wade may fight on one knee and may spend a little too much time staring at my girl's ass, but give me the patented knee smash along with the salt and pepper mullet hair pullback move and I am all set. He may take a knife to the front of his wife beater in the end, but the wisdom and what I have to imagine is awful beer breath will stay with us for the rest of our lives.
5) Brad Wesley: Alright, I like Dalton, but I want to BE Brad Wesley. Here is a guy with a house on a river with a pool and helicopter pad (oh yeah, with helicopter too). He gets kickbacks from all the local businesses, he has the hottest girl in town as his in house stripper, and Christ, JCPenney is coming to Jasper because of him. He has a small army of henchmen who ride around in a Bigfoot - do I need any more reason? Lastly, he is old as hell, but he gives Dalton a run for his money in the final fight scene. If Dalton doesn't pull out the "Mijo Knee Smash" (the Wade special - respect), I think Brad pulls off the upset. Because the guy is pure cash and testosterone, it takes 4 hits from 4 different shotguns to take him out. All this is done in a room where every animal on Noah's ark has been shot and stuffed. If I could take advantage of a bunch of small town hillbilly business owners like Brad did, I would set up my life the same way. I would just be more wary of any upstart cooler with awesome hair coming in to wreck it all.
There are plenty of other things to love in this throat-ripping, wall-humping, Bigfoot car smashing roller coaster ride of a movie. My advice is to get some popcorn, heat up your manly curling iron, put your tape in your Mercedes tape deck, and enjoy the next two hours of your life. Don't worry, Dalton will clean house if anyone starts trouble.
JB3
Now when I say you should love Road House, this is not in a Schindler's List or Bridge on the River Kwai kind of way. This is not a good movie, this is a cheesy movie at its finest. Terrible premise, bad acting, gratuitous boob shots, and some of the best 80's hair you will ever see. Here are the top 5 reasons you need to not only watch Road House, but appreciate it for the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.
1) Bouncers/Henchmen: The bouncers and henchmen in Road House each cast a very distinctive niche, and many are noteworthy. Starting with Steve the Bouncer - Steve is the MAN! Steve don't care if that's a Sears credit card, get your underage ass in here and party. Dalton, you gonna fire Steve for hammering that same girl? Well, he WAS on his break. Steve is like a sexy honey badger. Other bouncers include Terry Funk (yes, Terry "I'm so hot, I'm juicy" Funk) - who uses his wrasslin' experience to go from face to heel and never does go to Barber College. Also, we have token "ultra fat" guys on each side. The ultra fat bouncer is just a generally jolly guy that is all smiles, rolls, and curly mullet and is just generally happy to have a job. The ultra fat henchman is "Tinker" (of course he is), and is pretty lovable for a guy who beats up old guys and manages to get a knife slash on Dalton. Tiny gets the last line of the movie with "A Polar Bear fell on me". That should tell you all you need to know about the awesomeness of Road House.
2) Dalton's hair: Swayze hair at its absolute apex. It's a feathered mullet. Let me repeat. FEATHERED MULLET! Even with that awesome description, it still doesn't do it justice. Dalton's hair is in the same category as Kojak's lollipop, Luke's lightsaber, or Dirk Diggler's uhhh... other Dirk. The movie just wouldn't be the same without it. I say if chicks can go to the salon and ask for the "Rachel", dudes should be able to hit up a cost cutters for a "Dalton"
3) Cooler Rankings: Supposedly, Dalton is the "Best Damn Cooler in the Business". Seriously, who is responsible for these rankings, because I want to be involved. What are the criteria? Drunk dude throwing capability, speed of delivery of matches for cigarette lighting, witty repartee while maintaining eye contact with the dance floor? In the age of reality television, we really need to make "Bouncer Games" happen. The challenges would be more captivating than anything Survivor can come up with, and the fact that you have to add alcohol for realism only makes it better. Get Mark Burnett on the phone, I think I'm on to something here.
4) Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett: Has there ever been a better screen mentor than Wade Garrett? Bite Me Miyagi, I need advice from my "mijo". Wade may fight on one knee and may spend a little too much time staring at my girl's ass, but give me the patented knee smash along with the salt and pepper mullet hair pullback move and I am all set. He may take a knife to the front of his wife beater in the end, but the wisdom and what I have to imagine is awful beer breath will stay with us for the rest of our lives.
5) Brad Wesley: Alright, I like Dalton, but I want to BE Brad Wesley. Here is a guy with a house on a river with a pool and helicopter pad (oh yeah, with helicopter too). He gets kickbacks from all the local businesses, he has the hottest girl in town as his in house stripper, and Christ, JCPenney is coming to Jasper because of him. He has a small army of henchmen who ride around in a Bigfoot - do I need any more reason? Lastly, he is old as hell, but he gives Dalton a run for his money in the final fight scene. If Dalton doesn't pull out the "Mijo Knee Smash" (the Wade special - respect), I think Brad pulls off the upset. Because the guy is pure cash and testosterone, it takes 4 hits from 4 different shotguns to take him out. All this is done in a room where every animal on Noah's ark has been shot and stuffed. If I could take advantage of a bunch of small town hillbilly business owners like Brad did, I would set up my life the same way. I would just be more wary of any upstart cooler with awesome hair coming in to wreck it all.
There are plenty of other things to love in this throat-ripping, wall-humping, Bigfoot car smashing roller coaster ride of a movie. My advice is to get some popcorn, heat up your manly curling iron, put your tape in your Mercedes tape deck, and enjoy the next two hours of your life. Don't worry, Dalton will clean house if anyone starts trouble.
JB3
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