Shout Outs to the Underappreciated

            Lately, I have gone through a bit of a transformation.  I have recently lost 50 pounds and taken fitness and diet as a part of my lifestyle more seriously.  Now, I know where you think this is going – the long diatribe on my downslide and subsequent awakening, the “journey” to get here, and my new found outlook on life.  While all of those have happened and I am truly grateful, I thought I would take this a different way.  See, what I have been thinking about a lot is recognition.  I have been provided a lot of support and recognition as a result of this change and for that I am thankful, but it also made me think about those that deserve recognition that don’t always get it.  So, with that in mind, here are some shout outs to those I don’t feel get enough recognition for what they have been able to do:

1) The people who have always been in shape.  Hey you, guy that goes to the gym on Friday night instead of swilling happy hour priced beers.  Nice work.  Hello to you as well, Ms. Reasonable Meals who doesn't stop at Mickey D’s every night for the “Artery Clogger Du Jour”.  Great job on never getting that beer gut or those flabby arms in the first place.  In my opinion, they deserve just as much credit for realizing right away what took me 10+ years to figure out.  Garbage In = Garbage Out.  Often times, we tag people who have always stayed in shape as having “good genes” or developing some rationalization as to why their lives are unencumbered by the stresses of our daily grind.  I know I was guilty of this.  In other cases, their efforts are just taken for granted because they never suffered the downslide that has afflicted so many of us.  Meanwhile, we celebrate those who turn their lives around by following what these people have done their whole lives.  It’s not that we shouldn't celebrate turnarounds; we absolutely should because they are great, but we should also recognize those that have realized this from the beginning and acted accordingly.  So, to you ladies and gentlemen that have maintained your “new car smell”, congratulations!  I respect you more now than I did before. 

2) The “average” professional athlete.  This goes out to the utility infielder, the 12^th man off the bench, the special teamer, and the tour pro who plays most Sundays but never sees much TV action.  Do you realize that these guys/girls are probably more qualified and skilled to do what they do than you are at anything?  Think about how competitive it is for any spot on a professional team or individual sport.  For example, there are roughly 750 MLB players at one time and about 450 NBA players.  That is 1200 job openings total and each spot is among the most highly sought after positions on the planet.  However, we typically look at the lower end of the 1200 like they have more in common with a 3^rd shift McDonalds worker as opposed to a CEO of a $1 Billion company (of which I would guess there are more than 1200 worldwide).  I’m not saying their lives aren't lucky and aren't well paid (they certainly are).  Also, I do believe it is a fan’s right to criticize something they are paying to watch and these guys are certainly not above scrutiny.  However, I just want to point out that the guy you are calling a “bum” or “loser” who “sucks at his job”  has beaten out thousands of other hopefuls who would do anything for the right to wear those warm ups or sit on that bench.  Also, in most cases he probably makes less than the 750^th best CEO, salesman, or lawyer in the world, and definitely less than the owner of the team who raised your ticket prices and made your state pay for the privilege to have his private and very profitable company play ball there.   So, to you Mr. Garbage Time and Mrs. Pine Rider, great job.  Glad you could be outstanding at what you do for a living.  It was my hope as a kid to someday join your ranks, but I didn't have whatever got you there, so kudos my man.

3) Wet wipes over toilet paper.  Yep, I went there.  For someone who has used the bathroom for over 35 years, I can’t believe I am only a recent convert here.  Seriously, why do we ever leave wet wipes?  As a baby, wet wipes are common.  Then, we teach the more civilized method of toilet training and regress to dry paper to clean ourselves.  Do you brush your teeth dry?  No.  Do you rub a towel all over yourself and call it a shower?  No.  So why is toilet paper that is dry still the common method?  I feel the same way about chopsticks.  Stop using them! There is better technology out there!  It’s called a damn fork!  If you don’t believe me, lets race.  Any entree, I will win.  Forks make scooping easier, there are more tines for poking and prodding, and there is more overall surface area for food retrieval, selection, and ingestion.  Also, by the time you get the proper finger placement on your utensil, I’m already half done eating because my utensil is “grip and go”.  Forks win in a landslide.  Now, back to wet wipes.  Similar to the fork, it is the better technology.  If cleanliness is the goal here, and I hope to everything holy that is the goal here, then wet wipes win in a landslide.  What makes me laugh is the extent that people are embarrassed by having wet wipes out for adult use.  Why is that big roll of double ply paper so much more acceptable?  We all know its end use, don’t we?  Therefore, how can people who would freak at the thought of no toilet paper be offended when the better technology is presented to them?  I say get over it.  I say it is time for an infrastructure overhaul where wet wipes are the common bathroom accompaniment.  Sly Stallone had a 90’s movie called Demolition Man where he was transported to the future.  In the movie, the use of “The 3 Seashells” was the futuristic method of post bathroom cleanliness.  I like to think The 3 Seashells were just a fancy case holder for wet wipes and that wadded ball of paper was relegated to the museum next to the typewriter, 8-track player, and all those damn leftover chopsticks that no one uses anymore. 

There you have it.  While by no means a comprehensive list, I hope that this post gives you more appreciation for the work of these unheralded segments of our society.  If we all join together and give them a slap on the back, a cheer at the game, or their own spot in the bathroom, these unsung heroes may finally get their due.

JB3

Where Are They Now - Chozen Toguchi

Welcome friends to a totally useless new segment of my blog where I take a well known character from a movie (likely 80’s, likely cheesy) and script the remainder of their life after the cameras stopped rolling.  Basically, I am providing the “Behind the Music” storyline for fictional characters that you probably never cared about in the first place.  Got it?  Good. 

Our first subject is Mr. Chozen Toguchi.  Now, your first question is probably “Who the hell is Chozen Toguchi?”  Good question.  The “Chozen One” (nickname for a guy you don’t even know – I am awesome) is the Okinawan antagonist of a spry young karate fellow named Daniel LaRusso.  You may know Mr. LaRusso more commonly as “Daniel-San” or “the guy who sure gets his ass kicked a lot” or “weird kid who hangs out with the old asian guy – is there something we don’t know going on there” from the Karate Kid films.  “Cho-Goo” (again with the nicknames – I’m on fire!) is the nephew of Sato Toguchi, overlord of the Okinawa village, and a real badass karate dude who really doesn’t take to Mr. LaRusso and proceeds to mostly kick his ass through the first 87 minutes of the film.  Below is a link to the trailer if you need a memory refresher.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksWefA8f7_g    

When we last saw “Margaret Cho” (I’m just going to keep them going at this point), he was on the wrong end of a fight to the death with Daniel San.  He was clearly the more adept of the two with regard to karate skills and, no less importantly, shimmying down a set of Asian lanterns to kidnap a Geisha dancer.  However, “the Gooch” was unable to properly defense the Drum technique, which to the outside observer seemed to be a method of punching that involved moving your torso back and forth in a sweeping motion.  Not exactly Keanu-in-the-Matrix level fighting sophistication here, but it worked for Daniel-San.  Our last contact with “Cho-Dawg” is his request to die at the hands of Daniel-San.  This request was mostly likely derived from embarrassment in regard to getting his ass kicked by a guy in faded mom jeans who fights like a 3 year old.  Daniel-San treats “Cho and tell” to the ultimate disrespect by not only denying this request to die, but by honking the nose of this once proud warrior.  Cutting to the chase, things did not end well for “Cho Montana”. 

Now, here is where I come in.  I know you are all dying to know what happened next.  This is my gift to the world.  To provide details of the rest of “Cho-do Baggins” life for your entertainment.  And here we go...

Let’s pick it up immediately after “The Honk” (as it is commonly known – at least to me).   First off, how the hell did he get off that mini-island?  After all, no one helped Daniel-San or that girl after some crazy bastard came flying in with a knife and threatened to kill them both, so the 3 inches of moat water either had some nasty ass sharks or was filled with pure rip-your-face-off type acid.  No other explanations are acceptable.  Well, after speaking with “Cho-Jam”, I was shocked to know that he was indeed stuck on that island for some time, but similar to “Castaway”, he fashioned a Wilson-esque boat made of all the floating lanterns in the pond to safely guide his way past BOTH the sharks and the acid.  Crazy right?

Next, the “Zen master” obviously had to flee his village.  No one wants to be the guy who didn’t save the cute little girl in the storm and then got his honor taken and ass kicked by the white guy in beat up Nikes.  So, “Guchi Handbag” decided to be on the next flight to the good old United States.  Ironically, he ended up on the same flight back as Daniel-San and Miyagi.  Talk about awkward, especially when they both had to stand in line for the coach bathroom about 10 hours in flight and Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love” was playing on the overhead speaker.  It's safe to say little to no eye contact was made during the song.  Since he hadn’t yet studied the replay tapes to figure out how to successfully defend the Drum, “Clam Cho-wder” (okay, I’m getting desperate) decided to let this one slide.  Also, he had to take a mean deuce and wasn’t about to lose his place in line by fighting.

Since living in the states, “Chozen Charge” (get it?  Think Scott Baio) has kept pretty quiet, until recently.  This is a little known fact, but the “Gangnam Style” dance is actually a patented method for defensing the drum technique.  Think about it... when someone presents a move that Larry, Curly, or Moe wouldn’t have fallen for, what better way to defend it than getting on a fake horse and circling them like a crazy person?  In fact, “Opa Gangnam Style” is actually translated from Korean to English as “Don’t bring that weak ass drum out, or I will go all “horse” on your ass”.  “Cho-nie loves Chachi” (a Baio shout out double-feature – don’t try this at home) is now enjoying his more anonymous lifestyle but with significantly higher wealth and freedom.  It’s certainly better than the days of toiling under a ruthless overlord like Uncle Sato and cheating farmers with bad weights.

You know, some say “all’s well that ends well”.  It certainly seems that way for the “Hoochie Guchi Man” (last one I promise).  He may have lost his honor in that temple in Okinawa, but the royalties from a ridiculous dance move have provided him hoards of women, tons of cash, and the best lawyers in the world to defend him against all his “alleged” Geisha kidnappings.  Daniel-San may have got the first honk, but who really got the last laugh?

JB3