I'm a music fan. I like a lot of different kinds of music. I would consider myself a populist. I don't go deep into any particular genre nor do I have any clue who the hottest indie band is right now. I know some of the words to "Call Me Maybe" as well as "War Pigs", "Okie from Muskogee", and "Christmas in Hollis". Some would call my tastes "eclectic" - me, I just say I like a lot of different shit.
However, in this column, I would like to address some of the universal slips that make a potentially good song go bad or make a bad song go to "remind me to jab a Q-Tip way too far in so I don't ever have to hear that crap again" levels. Some of these are genre specific, but some stretch across the landscape to suck the life out of all types of music. Of course this list isn't exhaustive (there are millions of ways to make a song suck), but these are a few of the more egregious examples of how to kill a good song.
1) "The Crappy Rappy": Here's the situation. Good tune, good beat, good lyrics of a solid R&B song that you are jamming to in your car. The song hits about 2 min and 30 sec and what happens? Some junk rapper who must have naked pics of the singer or something gets hold of a mic for the next 30 seconds and wipes all the good mojo from the song. No more singing along, no more cool car shoulder dances. The radio is now turned down and you go back to staring blankly at traffic. I'm looking at you MC Shan from "Informer". I'm staring at you guy who says "A Capello" in Tony Toni Tone's "Feel Good". P. Diddy - get the hell away from the mic when Faith Evans is singing. Lastly, to Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, aka the jackass that completely ruins "The One" from Mary J. Blige, if you ever grab a mic again, I truly hope it is only to say "Table 12, your order is ready". Under no other circumstances should you, or any of you other guys, be allowed near a microphone or stage again. Please, record producers, if your out of work buddy that hangs out at the studio and just begs for "one shot" and wants to rap on what you feel could be a smash single, remember what I say. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR SOME UNKNOWN JACKASS WHO CAN'T RAP!!! If he was that good, he/she wouldn't need to get that "one shot" by latching on to someone else's track.
2) "The Crossover": This infliction on society came around the mid 90's. What happened here is that a lot of artists in R&B and Country don't write their own songs. The songwriters themselves figured this out and decided "hey, since R&B lovers don't exactly peruse the country stations often, why not sell the song to 2 artists and earn some extra cash." I don't blame them, I blame us. We allowed them to do this and in the process, songs that are sappy oversung crap get airplay in two genres. The largest example of this was "I Swear" by John Michael Montgomery and All-4-One. Both JMM and A4O were mid level talents, but both got all star airplay with a song that, I'm sorry to say, isn't any good in either format. The fact that I then had to avoid this turd on 4 or 5 stations as opposed to the 1 or 2 made for difficult radio listening in the era before Itunes / Pandora. Other Crossover attempts that sucked include: Don't Want to Miss A Thing (Aerosmith too sappy - Mark Chestnutt even worse), Piece of My Heart (Janis - good but I think a bit overrated, Faith Hill awful), and Sweet Child O'Mine (Loved GNR's- Sheryl Crow's version sucks). The only real success here in my view is Whitney's "I Will Always Love You". She nailed it. Of course no one sings like Whitney and she is dead now. Hopefully this tomfoolery died with her.
3) "Star Search Screeches": I remember watching Star Search as a kid. There was one guy who was a singer that won a bunch of times in a row. Sam Harris was his name. Sam was a little white fella that would belt out well known songs and add about 37 runs and screaming that the audience of Star Search apparently just flat out dug. Youtube that now and you wonder who is strangling the cat while singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Though Sam is my favorite example, it is the ladies of R&B that typically have the most issue here. Vocal gymnastics has a place. I like hearing someone that can sing. However, every note doesn't require an additional run on for 10 minutes nor do I need to hear you scream every note like your house is on fire. Jennifer Hudson and Christina Aguilera, please step forward. Both of you can sing, but let's just take a breath or two on a couple of tracks okay? No need to bludgeon the audience with your vocal "talent". The other one that used to kill me on this was Reba McEntire. Reba had a good, not great, voice, and I like some of her songs. However, her runs combined with a country twang could get downright vomit inducing and typically ended with me yelling inappropriate comments at my television or radio.
4) "The Talking Song": This was originally my wife's pet peeve that I am now fully on board with. If your name isn't Johnny Cash, sing the damn song. I don't want to hear your poetry reading set to music. Shawn Mullins and his "Lullaby" might be my least favorite non-REM song. He sings for two seconds, which should be about all he needed at karaoke to show he couldn't sing, but then he spends what seems to be another hour telling us about a story that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Just awful on all counts. You know who else tries to get away with this garbage - deep voice R&B guys. We get it, your balls dropped at age 6 and your voice only went lower from there. It's cool, can we move on now? Boyz II Men and "End of the Road" is a great example. This is a solid 90's heartbreak song, right? Well, the SINGING is a good heartbreak song, but the 10 minute diatribe from Barry White's illegitimate son just kills it. Put the low voice away and get back to being the bass of the barbershop quartet.
5) "I Am An Artist" Vibe: Unless this is We Are The World or Farm Aid, can we ease up on taking ourselves so seriously? Eddie Vedder in the movie Singles was a funny young singer. He gets a couple of hits in the grunge movement and all of a sudden he mumbles interviews in a bad Bob Dylan impersonation while bitching about the Rainforest. Coolio gets pissed at Weird Al for lampooning "Gangsta's Paradise"? Really Coolio, that track shouldn't be made fun of? You should have told me that when I was laughing at your hair while you rapped to Michelle Pfeiffer about a movie that made about $12. REM - get over yourselves. Your music sucks and you are Weezer without the sense of humor. Everybody Hurts - yeah, they sure do, especially after listening to that pile of garbage. Lastly, the perfect example of this was Scott Stapp, who I really think thought he was the second coming of Jesus in the "Higher" video. I think he truly believes he is bringing his audience to the promiseland with nothing more than a wife beater and some really overdone hand gestures. Now, maybe these actions don't affect the songs, but if you can't shake an image of douchebaggery while listening to someone sing, chances are the enjoyment is just slightly diluted. Let's realize that at the end of the day, you are just like the Soggy Bottom Boys - some guy is paying you money to sing "into his can".
As I said before, this is not a complete list. Even with the offenders above, I only scratched the surface on the examples that could be used to destroy songs for the listener. However, this was written to give notification to the offenders that we are on to you. No longer will you be allowed to suck without notice. This is me putting YOU on notice! I hope you only can dry your tears and hide your guilt with the millions of dollars earned through royalties while I SHAME you on a blog that I write for free. Oh wait, nevermind. Keep up the good work!
JB3
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Ice Cube... Pitch man?
Growing up, I liked rap music. A lot. I owned a Public Enemy shirt and a Raiders jacket. All I can say about that is yikes and double yikes... though I would still rock that PE shirt today if I still had it and it fit. Alas, neither of those is likely. I also wrote lyrics on my notebooks and I knew the numbers to the best rap videos on the Jukebox Network. I wasn't overly discerning in my taste back then. If you swore, you were cool. If you rapped well, even better.
The tape (yes children, "tape") that got it all started for me was from a small group of young'uns known for hangin' out, mixing it up, and causing a ruckus. Now, you may be thinking "The Monkees"!, but the tape I am referring to is actually "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.
Now, for those of you that don't know N.W.A - I am not going to expand on the topic here. You go ahead and Wikipedia N.W.A and Straight Outta Compton - get over the shock, and come back for the rest of the story... no really, I will be right here waiting.
To put it bluntly, N.W.A was a mixture of violent, antisocial, misogynistic, racist lyrics set to some pretty darn catchy beats. For a kid like me, desperately wanting to be rebellious and tough (while actually being much more conformist and certainly not tough at 4 ft 9 and 85 lbs), N.W.A was just the elixir to get my (lack of) muscles pumping to do some "dirt". Of course, "dirt" for me meant talking tough and not doing much at all. It certainly didn't mean grabbin' a shotgun and spraying a house party. I don't know if I could have even cocked the pump on a shotgun at the time. I shot a rifle once during that time, but that was up north at some cans that I missed by 45 feet. Let's just say that people were safe from gun play with me strollin' through the 'hood.
Over all the members of N.W.A., Ice Cube was my favorite. "Cube", as us 85lb tough guys would call him, seemed to have the best flow. Sure I was the devil to Cube, but I liked him anyway. When Cube took off from the group to go solo, and the subsequent "beef" took place, I remember hoping they put out a few more records before they killed each other. After all, Pac and Biggie hadn't hit the scene yet, and I really didn't want to gravitate from my Raiders gear to wearing Hammer pants. And yes, I did feel at the time those were the only two choices.
Cube did have a very successful solo career. AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Charming!), Death Certificate, Predator, Lethal Injection. I remember hitting up a Sam Goody (no, not ITunes, we had to get up and go get our music.... keep up!) for each of these and making mix tapes and memorizing the lyrics. I still know some and still really like some of the tracks. Cube was angry. Cube wasn't to be played with. Cube still really had a thing against Whitey, but inner city and suburban white kids loved him for it. I think it is safe to say that from 1988 to 1992, I thought Cube was the single coolest and toughest guy on the planet. How are the cops not arresting this guy? He's a menace to society, his rap sheet must be huge! Come on, Cube was bad ass. He took down "Zeus" in Friday - even Hulk Hogan was scared of that guy!
This brings me to today. Ice Cube... Coors Light? Ice Cube... TBS? Ice Cube... Are We There Yet? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???
Let's start with Coors. Cube went from beefin' with the remaining members of N.W.A. to conversing with a can about who is colder. What, did the California Raisins push you off your turf? Sack up man. It is a beer - twist cap and drink. No further argument is needed. You even had to bring back up to the fight. By the way, grabbing Deebo off the sidelines to get a frost face is about as low as you go in sell out land. The 15 year old inside of me feels used. Are you telling me that was all just an "image"? Were you really not out there shooting people and telling the cops who is boss after you dropped a track or two at the studio? I feel like that kid in Eight Men Out after the 1919 Sox were accused of throwing the game... "say it ain't so, Cube".
Maybe I could forgive you for the beer ads. After all, I remembered you pitching "Crooked I" back in the day. A 40oz beer spokesman transitioning to a colder, smaller 12oz. container. I could live with that. What has me "SMH'ing" all over the place is that Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are pretty much the same guy now, but Cube wants to vascillate between Compton and Hollywood without us yelling "Bullshit!" at the top of our lungs.
The movie career made sense at the beginning. A couple cameos here and there as the tough black guy who ain't gonna take no shit from some killer snake (Anaconda) or any Iraqis (Three Kings). The "keepin' it real" and "droppin' knowledge" roles in Boyz N Tha Hood and Higher Learning were right in the proverbial wheelhouse (though the overacting in both is now more comedic than dramatic - but still fun). Lastly, Friday is a cinematic masterpiece and something that was played so many times on my VCR (be kind, rewind - all the old school stuff is getting thrown out there today) that the tape (man were we reliant on "tape") was worn to the nub. I love Friday to this day. It is still one of the most quoted movies in my circle of middle aged white friends.
However, the gangsta track veered a little off course and now I don't know where the hell we are. It started in 2002, when Friday After Next came out. Sorry, that sucked. Chris Tucker didn't sign on. At that point, you should have kept upping his payout or scrapped the project. Instead, you go with an imitation Chris Tucker and forgot that you weren't as funny without him. This is the first time I am smelling more dollar signs than street cred.
Then, the wheels come off when you decide to become Chevy Freaking Chase. You starred in "Are We There Yet" and "Are We Done Yet"? Come on Cube... Are you Serious Yet? Are You Just Messing With Me Yet? You play the straight man to some snot nosed brats, prat falling like banana peels were strung out all across Compton. Old Ice Cube would have pulled on his all black LA Kings hat and shot a look at those kids that let them know it is not wise to continue on this course. It may have been followed by those kids wondering if someone could actually "slap the taste out of their mouth" but not wanting to find out. That would have been it. Old Cube would have had both movies done in 12 minutes. Now you follow it up with a series on TBS with the same name. A sitcom? Cube... a sitcom? What's next? Kid's books, Cooking Shows, Lifetime Movies? I hear Martha Stewart is looking for a second to help her crochet a tablecloth. Call your agent.
Look, the moves themselves are fine. I understand people have to grow up and rebellion and constant swearing is a young man's game. However, the curtain is up now. The man behind has been revealed and you can't go back. Neither can I. The name "Ice Cube" should be retired. If you want a replacement, how about "Cha Ching"? That is what I hear when I see your ads for Coors and watch your commercials for TBS. Maybe that is what I should have always heard. The 13 year old me had to grow up sometime, right?
JB3
The tape (yes children, "tape") that got it all started for me was from a small group of young'uns known for hangin' out, mixing it up, and causing a ruckus. Now, you may be thinking "The Monkees"!, but the tape I am referring to is actually "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.
Now, for those of you that don't know N.W.A - I am not going to expand on the topic here. You go ahead and Wikipedia N.W.A and Straight Outta Compton - get over the shock, and come back for the rest of the story... no really, I will be right here waiting.
To put it bluntly, N.W.A was a mixture of violent, antisocial, misogynistic, racist lyrics set to some pretty darn catchy beats. For a kid like me, desperately wanting to be rebellious and tough (while actually being much more conformist and certainly not tough at 4 ft 9 and 85 lbs), N.W.A was just the elixir to get my (lack of) muscles pumping to do some "dirt". Of course, "dirt" for me meant talking tough and not doing much at all. It certainly didn't mean grabbin' a shotgun and spraying a house party. I don't know if I could have even cocked the pump on a shotgun at the time. I shot a rifle once during that time, but that was up north at some cans that I missed by 45 feet. Let's just say that people were safe from gun play with me strollin' through the 'hood.
Over all the members of N.W.A., Ice Cube was my favorite. "Cube", as us 85lb tough guys would call him, seemed to have the best flow. Sure I was the devil to Cube, but I liked him anyway. When Cube took off from the group to go solo, and the subsequent "beef" took place, I remember hoping they put out a few more records before they killed each other. After all, Pac and Biggie hadn't hit the scene yet, and I really didn't want to gravitate from my Raiders gear to wearing Hammer pants. And yes, I did feel at the time those were the only two choices.
Cube did have a very successful solo career. AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Charming!), Death Certificate, Predator, Lethal Injection. I remember hitting up a Sam Goody (no, not ITunes, we had to get up and go get our music.... keep up!) for each of these and making mix tapes and memorizing the lyrics. I still know some and still really like some of the tracks. Cube was angry. Cube wasn't to be played with. Cube still really had a thing against Whitey, but inner city and suburban white kids loved him for it. I think it is safe to say that from 1988 to 1992, I thought Cube was the single coolest and toughest guy on the planet. How are the cops not arresting this guy? He's a menace to society, his rap sheet must be huge! Come on, Cube was bad ass. He took down "Zeus" in Friday - even Hulk Hogan was scared of that guy!
This brings me to today. Ice Cube... Coors Light? Ice Cube... TBS? Ice Cube... Are We There Yet? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???
Let's start with Coors. Cube went from beefin' with the remaining members of N.W.A. to conversing with a can about who is colder. What, did the California Raisins push you off your turf? Sack up man. It is a beer - twist cap and drink. No further argument is needed. You even had to bring back up to the fight. By the way, grabbing Deebo off the sidelines to get a frost face is about as low as you go in sell out land. The 15 year old inside of me feels used. Are you telling me that was all just an "image"? Were you really not out there shooting people and telling the cops who is boss after you dropped a track or two at the studio? I feel like that kid in Eight Men Out after the 1919 Sox were accused of throwing the game... "say it ain't so, Cube".
Maybe I could forgive you for the beer ads. After all, I remembered you pitching "Crooked I" back in the day. A 40oz beer spokesman transitioning to a colder, smaller 12oz. container. I could live with that. What has me "SMH'ing" all over the place is that Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are pretty much the same guy now, but Cube wants to vascillate between Compton and Hollywood without us yelling "Bullshit!" at the top of our lungs.
The movie career made sense at the beginning. A couple cameos here and there as the tough black guy who ain't gonna take no shit from some killer snake (Anaconda) or any Iraqis (Three Kings). The "keepin' it real" and "droppin' knowledge" roles in Boyz N Tha Hood and Higher Learning were right in the proverbial wheelhouse (though the overacting in both is now more comedic than dramatic - but still fun). Lastly, Friday is a cinematic masterpiece and something that was played so many times on my VCR (be kind, rewind - all the old school stuff is getting thrown out there today) that the tape (man were we reliant on "tape") was worn to the nub. I love Friday to this day. It is still one of the most quoted movies in my circle of middle aged white friends.
However, the gangsta track veered a little off course and now I don't know where the hell we are. It started in 2002, when Friday After Next came out. Sorry, that sucked. Chris Tucker didn't sign on. At that point, you should have kept upping his payout or scrapped the project. Instead, you go with an imitation Chris Tucker and forgot that you weren't as funny without him. This is the first time I am smelling more dollar signs than street cred.
Then, the wheels come off when you decide to become Chevy Freaking Chase. You starred in "Are We There Yet" and "Are We Done Yet"? Come on Cube... Are you Serious Yet? Are You Just Messing With Me Yet? You play the straight man to some snot nosed brats, prat falling like banana peels were strung out all across Compton. Old Ice Cube would have pulled on his all black LA Kings hat and shot a look at those kids that let them know it is not wise to continue on this course. It may have been followed by those kids wondering if someone could actually "slap the taste out of their mouth" but not wanting to find out. That would have been it. Old Cube would have had both movies done in 12 minutes. Now you follow it up with a series on TBS with the same name. A sitcom? Cube... a sitcom? What's next? Kid's books, Cooking Shows, Lifetime Movies? I hear Martha Stewart is looking for a second to help her crochet a tablecloth. Call your agent.
Look, the moves themselves are fine. I understand people have to grow up and rebellion and constant swearing is a young man's game. However, the curtain is up now. The man behind has been revealed and you can't go back. Neither can I. The name "Ice Cube" should be retired. If you want a replacement, how about "Cha Ching"? That is what I hear when I see your ads for Coors and watch your commercials for TBS. Maybe that is what I should have always heard. The 13 year old me had to grow up sometime, right?
JB3
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