I'm a music fan. I like a lot of different kinds of music. I would consider myself a populist. I don't go deep into any particular genre nor do I have any clue who the hottest indie band is right now. I know some of the words to "Call Me Maybe" as well as "War Pigs", "Okie from Muskogee", and "Christmas in Hollis". Some would call my tastes "eclectic" - me, I just say I like a lot of different shit.
However, in this column, I would like to address some of the universal slips that make a potentially good song go bad or make a bad song go to "remind me to jab a Q-Tip way too far in so I don't ever have to hear that crap again" levels. Some of these are genre specific, but some stretch across the landscape to suck the life out of all types of music. Of course this list isn't exhaustive (there are millions of ways to make a song suck), but these are a few of the more egregious examples of how to kill a good song.
1) "The Crappy Rappy": Here's the situation. Good tune, good beat, good lyrics of a solid R&B song that you are jamming to in your car. The song hits about 2 min and 30 sec and what happens? Some junk rapper who must have naked pics of the singer or something gets hold of a mic for the next 30 seconds and wipes all the good mojo from the song. No more singing along, no more cool car shoulder dances. The radio is now turned down and you go back to staring blankly at traffic. I'm looking at you MC Shan from "Informer". I'm staring at you guy who says "A Capello" in Tony Toni Tone's "Feel Good". P. Diddy - get the hell away from the mic when Faith Evans is singing. Lastly, to Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, aka the jackass that completely ruins "The One" from Mary J. Blige, if you ever grab a mic again, I truly hope it is only to say "Table 12, your order is ready". Under no other circumstances should you, or any of you other guys, be allowed near a microphone or stage again. Please, record producers, if your out of work buddy that hangs out at the studio and just begs for "one shot" and wants to rap on what you feel could be a smash single, remember what I say. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR SOME UNKNOWN JACKASS WHO CAN'T RAP!!! If he was that good, he/she wouldn't need to get that "one shot" by latching on to someone else's track.
2) "The Crossover": This infliction on society came around the mid 90's. What happened here is that a lot of artists in R&B and Country don't write their own songs. The songwriters themselves figured this out and decided "hey, since R&B lovers don't exactly peruse the country stations often, why not sell the song to 2 artists and earn some extra cash." I don't blame them, I blame us. We allowed them to do this and in the process, songs that are sappy oversung crap get airplay in two genres. The largest example of this was "I Swear" by John Michael Montgomery and All-4-One. Both JMM and A4O were mid level talents, but both got all star airplay with a song that, I'm sorry to say, isn't any good in either format. The fact that I then had to avoid this turd on 4 or 5 stations as opposed to the 1 or 2 made for difficult radio listening in the era before Itunes / Pandora. Other Crossover attempts that sucked include: Don't Want to Miss A Thing (Aerosmith too sappy - Mark Chestnutt even worse), Piece of My Heart (Janis - good but I think a bit overrated, Faith Hill awful), and Sweet Child O'Mine (Loved GNR's- Sheryl Crow's version sucks). The only real success here in my view is Whitney's "I Will Always Love You". She nailed it. Of course no one sings like Whitney and she is dead now. Hopefully this tomfoolery died with her.
3) "Star Search Screeches": I remember watching Star Search as a kid. There was one guy who was a singer that won a bunch of times in a row. Sam Harris was his name. Sam was a little white fella that would belt out well known songs and add about 37 runs and screaming that the audience of Star Search apparently just flat out dug. Youtube that now and you wonder who is strangling the cat while singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Though Sam is my favorite example, it is the ladies of R&B that typically have the most issue here. Vocal gymnastics has a place. I like hearing someone that can sing. However, every note doesn't require an additional run on for 10 minutes nor do I need to hear you scream every note like your house is on fire. Jennifer Hudson and Christina Aguilera, please step forward. Both of you can sing, but let's just take a breath or two on a couple of tracks okay? No need to bludgeon the audience with your vocal "talent". The other one that used to kill me on this was Reba McEntire. Reba had a good, not great, voice, and I like some of her songs. However, her runs combined with a country twang could get downright vomit inducing and typically ended with me yelling inappropriate comments at my television or radio.
4) "The Talking Song": This was originally my wife's pet peeve that I am now fully on board with. If your name isn't Johnny Cash, sing the damn song. I don't want to hear your poetry reading set to music. Shawn Mullins and his "Lullaby" might be my least favorite non-REM song. He sings for two seconds, which should be about all he needed at karaoke to show he couldn't sing, but then he spends what seems to be another hour telling us about a story that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. Just awful on all counts. You know who else tries to get away with this garbage - deep voice R&B guys. We get it, your balls dropped at age 6 and your voice only went lower from there. It's cool, can we move on now? Boyz II Men and "End of the Road" is a great example. This is a solid 90's heartbreak song, right? Well, the SINGING is a good heartbreak song, but the 10 minute diatribe from Barry White's illegitimate son just kills it. Put the low voice away and get back to being the bass of the barbershop quartet.
5) "I Am An Artist" Vibe: Unless this is We Are The World or Farm Aid, can we ease up on taking ourselves so seriously? Eddie Vedder in the movie Singles was a funny young singer. He gets a couple of hits in the grunge movement and all of a sudden he mumbles interviews in a bad Bob Dylan impersonation while bitching about the Rainforest. Coolio gets pissed at Weird Al for lampooning "Gangsta's Paradise"? Really Coolio, that track shouldn't be made fun of? You should have told me that when I was laughing at your hair while you rapped to Michelle Pfeiffer about a movie that made about $12. REM - get over yourselves. Your music sucks and you are Weezer without the sense of humor. Everybody Hurts - yeah, they sure do, especially after listening to that pile of garbage. Lastly, the perfect example of this was Scott Stapp, who I really think thought he was the second coming of Jesus in the "Higher" video. I think he truly believes he is bringing his audience to the promiseland with nothing more than a wife beater and some really overdone hand gestures. Now, maybe these actions don't affect the songs, but if you can't shake an image of douchebaggery while listening to someone sing, chances are the enjoyment is just slightly diluted. Let's realize that at the end of the day, you are just like the Soggy Bottom Boys - some guy is paying you money to sing "into his can".
As I said before, this is not a complete list. Even with the offenders above, I only scratched the surface on the examples that could be used to destroy songs for the listener. However, this was written to give notification to the offenders that we are on to you. No longer will you be allowed to suck without notice. This is me putting YOU on notice! I hope you only can dry your tears and hide your guilt with the millions of dollars earned through royalties while I SHAME you on a blog that I write for free. Oh wait, nevermind. Keep up the good work!
JB3
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Ice Cube... Pitch man?
Growing up, I liked rap music. A lot. I owned a Public Enemy shirt and a Raiders jacket. All I can say about that is yikes and double yikes... though I would still rock that PE shirt today if I still had it and it fit. Alas, neither of those is likely. I also wrote lyrics on my notebooks and I knew the numbers to the best rap videos on the Jukebox Network. I wasn't overly discerning in my taste back then. If you swore, you were cool. If you rapped well, even better.
The tape (yes children, "tape") that got it all started for me was from a small group of young'uns known for hangin' out, mixing it up, and causing a ruckus. Now, you may be thinking "The Monkees"!, but the tape I am referring to is actually "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.
Now, for those of you that don't know N.W.A - I am not going to expand on the topic here. You go ahead and Wikipedia N.W.A and Straight Outta Compton - get over the shock, and come back for the rest of the story... no really, I will be right here waiting.
To put it bluntly, N.W.A was a mixture of violent, antisocial, misogynistic, racist lyrics set to some pretty darn catchy beats. For a kid like me, desperately wanting to be rebellious and tough (while actually being much more conformist and certainly not tough at 4 ft 9 and 85 lbs), N.W.A was just the elixir to get my (lack of) muscles pumping to do some "dirt". Of course, "dirt" for me meant talking tough and not doing much at all. It certainly didn't mean grabbin' a shotgun and spraying a house party. I don't know if I could have even cocked the pump on a shotgun at the time. I shot a rifle once during that time, but that was up north at some cans that I missed by 45 feet. Let's just say that people were safe from gun play with me strollin' through the 'hood.
Over all the members of N.W.A., Ice Cube was my favorite. "Cube", as us 85lb tough guys would call him, seemed to have the best flow. Sure I was the devil to Cube, but I liked him anyway. When Cube took off from the group to go solo, and the subsequent "beef" took place, I remember hoping they put out a few more records before they killed each other. After all, Pac and Biggie hadn't hit the scene yet, and I really didn't want to gravitate from my Raiders gear to wearing Hammer pants. And yes, I did feel at the time those were the only two choices.
Cube did have a very successful solo career. AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Charming!), Death Certificate, Predator, Lethal Injection. I remember hitting up a Sam Goody (no, not ITunes, we had to get up and go get our music.... keep up!) for each of these and making mix tapes and memorizing the lyrics. I still know some and still really like some of the tracks. Cube was angry. Cube wasn't to be played with. Cube still really had a thing against Whitey, but inner city and suburban white kids loved him for it. I think it is safe to say that from 1988 to 1992, I thought Cube was the single coolest and toughest guy on the planet. How are the cops not arresting this guy? He's a menace to society, his rap sheet must be huge! Come on, Cube was bad ass. He took down "Zeus" in Friday - even Hulk Hogan was scared of that guy!
This brings me to today. Ice Cube... Coors Light? Ice Cube... TBS? Ice Cube... Are We There Yet? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???
Let's start with Coors. Cube went from beefin' with the remaining members of N.W.A. to conversing with a can about who is colder. What, did the California Raisins push you off your turf? Sack up man. It is a beer - twist cap and drink. No further argument is needed. You even had to bring back up to the fight. By the way, grabbing Deebo off the sidelines to get a frost face is about as low as you go in sell out land. The 15 year old inside of me feels used. Are you telling me that was all just an "image"? Were you really not out there shooting people and telling the cops who is boss after you dropped a track or two at the studio? I feel like that kid in Eight Men Out after the 1919 Sox were accused of throwing the game... "say it ain't so, Cube".
Maybe I could forgive you for the beer ads. After all, I remembered you pitching "Crooked I" back in the day. A 40oz beer spokesman transitioning to a colder, smaller 12oz. container. I could live with that. What has me "SMH'ing" all over the place is that Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are pretty much the same guy now, but Cube wants to vascillate between Compton and Hollywood without us yelling "Bullshit!" at the top of our lungs.
The movie career made sense at the beginning. A couple cameos here and there as the tough black guy who ain't gonna take no shit from some killer snake (Anaconda) or any Iraqis (Three Kings). The "keepin' it real" and "droppin' knowledge" roles in Boyz N Tha Hood and Higher Learning were right in the proverbial wheelhouse (though the overacting in both is now more comedic than dramatic - but still fun). Lastly, Friday is a cinematic masterpiece and something that was played so many times on my VCR (be kind, rewind - all the old school stuff is getting thrown out there today) that the tape (man were we reliant on "tape") was worn to the nub. I love Friday to this day. It is still one of the most quoted movies in my circle of middle aged white friends.
However, the gangsta track veered a little off course and now I don't know where the hell we are. It started in 2002, when Friday After Next came out. Sorry, that sucked. Chris Tucker didn't sign on. At that point, you should have kept upping his payout or scrapped the project. Instead, you go with an imitation Chris Tucker and forgot that you weren't as funny without him. This is the first time I am smelling more dollar signs than street cred.
Then, the wheels come off when you decide to become Chevy Freaking Chase. You starred in "Are We There Yet" and "Are We Done Yet"? Come on Cube... Are you Serious Yet? Are You Just Messing With Me Yet? You play the straight man to some snot nosed brats, prat falling like banana peels were strung out all across Compton. Old Ice Cube would have pulled on his all black LA Kings hat and shot a look at those kids that let them know it is not wise to continue on this course. It may have been followed by those kids wondering if someone could actually "slap the taste out of their mouth" but not wanting to find out. That would have been it. Old Cube would have had both movies done in 12 minutes. Now you follow it up with a series on TBS with the same name. A sitcom? Cube... a sitcom? What's next? Kid's books, Cooking Shows, Lifetime Movies? I hear Martha Stewart is looking for a second to help her crochet a tablecloth. Call your agent.
Look, the moves themselves are fine. I understand people have to grow up and rebellion and constant swearing is a young man's game. However, the curtain is up now. The man behind has been revealed and you can't go back. Neither can I. The name "Ice Cube" should be retired. If you want a replacement, how about "Cha Ching"? That is what I hear when I see your ads for Coors and watch your commercials for TBS. Maybe that is what I should have always heard. The 13 year old me had to grow up sometime, right?
JB3
The tape (yes children, "tape") that got it all started for me was from a small group of young'uns known for hangin' out, mixing it up, and causing a ruckus. Now, you may be thinking "The Monkees"!, but the tape I am referring to is actually "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.
Now, for those of you that don't know N.W.A - I am not going to expand on the topic here. You go ahead and Wikipedia N.W.A and Straight Outta Compton - get over the shock, and come back for the rest of the story... no really, I will be right here waiting.
To put it bluntly, N.W.A was a mixture of violent, antisocial, misogynistic, racist lyrics set to some pretty darn catchy beats. For a kid like me, desperately wanting to be rebellious and tough (while actually being much more conformist and certainly not tough at 4 ft 9 and 85 lbs), N.W.A was just the elixir to get my (lack of) muscles pumping to do some "dirt". Of course, "dirt" for me meant talking tough and not doing much at all. It certainly didn't mean grabbin' a shotgun and spraying a house party. I don't know if I could have even cocked the pump on a shotgun at the time. I shot a rifle once during that time, but that was up north at some cans that I missed by 45 feet. Let's just say that people were safe from gun play with me strollin' through the 'hood.
Over all the members of N.W.A., Ice Cube was my favorite. "Cube", as us 85lb tough guys would call him, seemed to have the best flow. Sure I was the devil to Cube, but I liked him anyway. When Cube took off from the group to go solo, and the subsequent "beef" took place, I remember hoping they put out a few more records before they killed each other. After all, Pac and Biggie hadn't hit the scene yet, and I really didn't want to gravitate from my Raiders gear to wearing Hammer pants. And yes, I did feel at the time those were the only two choices.
Cube did have a very successful solo career. AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Charming!), Death Certificate, Predator, Lethal Injection. I remember hitting up a Sam Goody (no, not ITunes, we had to get up and go get our music.... keep up!) for each of these and making mix tapes and memorizing the lyrics. I still know some and still really like some of the tracks. Cube was angry. Cube wasn't to be played with. Cube still really had a thing against Whitey, but inner city and suburban white kids loved him for it. I think it is safe to say that from 1988 to 1992, I thought Cube was the single coolest and toughest guy on the planet. How are the cops not arresting this guy? He's a menace to society, his rap sheet must be huge! Come on, Cube was bad ass. He took down "Zeus" in Friday - even Hulk Hogan was scared of that guy!
This brings me to today. Ice Cube... Coors Light? Ice Cube... TBS? Ice Cube... Are We There Yet? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???
Let's start with Coors. Cube went from beefin' with the remaining members of N.W.A. to conversing with a can about who is colder. What, did the California Raisins push you off your turf? Sack up man. It is a beer - twist cap and drink. No further argument is needed. You even had to bring back up to the fight. By the way, grabbing Deebo off the sidelines to get a frost face is about as low as you go in sell out land. The 15 year old inside of me feels used. Are you telling me that was all just an "image"? Were you really not out there shooting people and telling the cops who is boss after you dropped a track or two at the studio? I feel like that kid in Eight Men Out after the 1919 Sox were accused of throwing the game... "say it ain't so, Cube".
Maybe I could forgive you for the beer ads. After all, I remembered you pitching "Crooked I" back in the day. A 40oz beer spokesman transitioning to a colder, smaller 12oz. container. I could live with that. What has me "SMH'ing" all over the place is that Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are pretty much the same guy now, but Cube wants to vascillate between Compton and Hollywood without us yelling "Bullshit!" at the top of our lungs.
The movie career made sense at the beginning. A couple cameos here and there as the tough black guy who ain't gonna take no shit from some killer snake (Anaconda) or any Iraqis (Three Kings). The "keepin' it real" and "droppin' knowledge" roles in Boyz N Tha Hood and Higher Learning were right in the proverbial wheelhouse (though the overacting in both is now more comedic than dramatic - but still fun). Lastly, Friday is a cinematic masterpiece and something that was played so many times on my VCR (be kind, rewind - all the old school stuff is getting thrown out there today) that the tape (man were we reliant on "tape") was worn to the nub. I love Friday to this day. It is still one of the most quoted movies in my circle of middle aged white friends.
However, the gangsta track veered a little off course and now I don't know where the hell we are. It started in 2002, when Friday After Next came out. Sorry, that sucked. Chris Tucker didn't sign on. At that point, you should have kept upping his payout or scrapped the project. Instead, you go with an imitation Chris Tucker and forgot that you weren't as funny without him. This is the first time I am smelling more dollar signs than street cred.
Then, the wheels come off when you decide to become Chevy Freaking Chase. You starred in "Are We There Yet" and "Are We Done Yet"? Come on Cube... Are you Serious Yet? Are You Just Messing With Me Yet? You play the straight man to some snot nosed brats, prat falling like banana peels were strung out all across Compton. Old Ice Cube would have pulled on his all black LA Kings hat and shot a look at those kids that let them know it is not wise to continue on this course. It may have been followed by those kids wondering if someone could actually "slap the taste out of their mouth" but not wanting to find out. That would have been it. Old Cube would have had both movies done in 12 minutes. Now you follow it up with a series on TBS with the same name. A sitcom? Cube... a sitcom? What's next? Kid's books, Cooking Shows, Lifetime Movies? I hear Martha Stewart is looking for a second to help her crochet a tablecloth. Call your agent.
Look, the moves themselves are fine. I understand people have to grow up and rebellion and constant swearing is a young man's game. However, the curtain is up now. The man behind has been revealed and you can't go back. Neither can I. The name "Ice Cube" should be retired. If you want a replacement, how about "Cha Ching"? That is what I hear when I see your ads for Coors and watch your commercials for TBS. Maybe that is what I should have always heard. The 13 year old me had to grow up sometime, right?
JB3
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Passed Time to Adjust Our National Past Time
I love baseball. I enjoy the game and I especially enjoy the games within the game. Nuance is what makes baseball fun and it is my opinion that baseball produces the best highlights and highest drama.
With that said, baseball needs a facelift, or at least a shot of botox. There are some things about baseball that drive me insane. My biggest pet peeve about baseball is the adherence to tradition for tradition's sake. The justification of rules and procedures based on "that is what we have always done" is typically useless and annoying. Change doesn't need to affect the heart of the game or the essence of what makes it good. You can clean up your house without moving.
So, let's tap the needle and start injecting (sorry, bad analogy for baseball). Here are some suggestions that I have to inject a bit of life into the game (or at least stop its wrinkled, weathered face from falling further):
Rules:
1) Instant Replay - stop dinking around and add a damn challenge flag already. Run it similar to the NFL. Not on balls and strikes, but everything else is available. Safe/Out, Homer/Not, Catch/Not - all is up for grabs for 2x per game for each manager. Add a monitor near the backstop and communication capabilities to an upstairs booth.
Now, my wife was quick on the draw with the most talked about argument: We don't need to lengthen a baseball game further. I agree completely, and here are my fixes for that.
2) Time Limits Between Pitches - 20 second maximums from the time the pitcher receives the ball to beginning of delivery. The penalty is an automatic ball. I think this rule is for anyone who has had to stomach a full 4 and 1/2 hour game between the Yankees and Red Sox (on roughly about 75x per year) with each pitcher coming off the rubber to the rosin bag and standing there for 10 minutes before checking the runner at first and starting the process all over again. Just stop. Also, while we are at it, let's quit condoning these A.D.D. batting routines and keep the hitters in the box. Are batting glove bands so poor that they need to be retightened after every look at a pitch? I don't think so. Get in there and hit. Umps need to take control and not allow hitters out of the box unless something actually relevant happens. This alone should save us time enough to install instant replay.
3) Stop with the meetings - No more catcher talking to the pitcher. No more infield meetings at the mound. No more pitching coach talks followed by polite buttslaps. This is not AA or the Elks Lodge - it is a baseball game. What the hell is all the talking about anyway? Candlesticks do make a nice gift (Bull Durham reference) but I really think we are past needing to be reminded of it every game. Also, why do we allow the pitching coach out there at all? Starting pitchers pitch every 5 days. Why can't you discuss mechanics on off days? Why do I have to be there for the assistant coach to tell his pitcher to bend his legs a few more inches? You don't see the NFL special teams coach talking to the punter on the field do you? Also, most of these meetings are admitted time wasters to get the guy in the bullpen more time to warm up. How about some better planning instead of further time wasting? Then, after the time wasting meeting, what does the relief pitcher do when he arrives at the mound... HE WARMS UP AGAIN! Let's go already.
4) Arguments are a goner - This one is a little more of a bummer, but I think its time has come. I sometimes love seeing an overweight old man stuffed in a too tight uniform getting all red faced by berating an authority figure. It makes for good viewing. However, you know what makes for better viewing? The baseball game itself. Seriously, NFL, NBA, or hockey would never allow this crap. Can you imagine the blowback if Belichick races on the field, stops the game for 10 minutes, and berates an official for a call that we KNOW was never going to be reversed in the first place? Wouldn't Goodell make sure that Bill's kids couldn't go to college with the amount of fines he would levy? NBA coaches get fined for discussing referees constantly, and they are doing it in the locker room after the game. Technical fouls for yelling at officials during the game cost you points in the NBA. In baseball, you berate the hell out of an official, delay the game, get tossed, and there is no penalty outside of enjoying a beer while watching the game in the clubhouse tv. Seems a little strange.
The above rule changes would add speed and accuracy to the game without really changing the essence of the game. It is still played the same but tweaked in a way that makes it bearable to watch for the average American attention span.
Innovations:
Run and Gun or Wildcat Offense in the NFL. Small Ball or Showtime in the NBA. These are dramatic changes to offensive systems in the league that created havoc based on innovative ideas. If you look at a baseball game, Abner Doubleday and the boys would pretty much have suited up and played the game the same way that Pujols and Halladay are playing today. There is some solace in that from a historical perspective but it seems strange that we haven't seen someone come in and try SOMETHING different.
There have been small changes recently mostly based on the advanced statistical knowledge that has created moneyball type of innovation and changes to defensive shifts and scenario analysis. However, what I am talking about are radical changes to the way the game is played. Here are some radical thoughts that could get the wheels rolling:
1) Speed Demons: College Sprinters run about 20 miles per hour. That means they could get 90 feet in about 3.1 seconds. Couldn't we teach at least a few of them to grab a bat and tell them to choke up? Well placed bunts and half swings with that kind of speed could create pressure on infielders. Once on base, continued bunts / steals / hit and runs could create enough distractions to pitchers to create more of a mess for the opposing team. Even if you don't fill your team with these guys, wouldn't an emphasis on a few spots for this type of athlete combined with a different style of hitting add a flavor to the game that would make it more interesting to watch?
2) Pitching Rotations: Why is the 5 man rotation the way to go? Why not 7? Why not 3? Why not have everyone in the rotation? My innovation here would be based on the notion that hitters get more comfortable on the 2nd or 3rd at bats against the same pitcher. Why let that happen? In my rotation, everyone starts and everyone should be prepared to pitch every 3 days for 3-5 innings. Starters are currently very highly paid to pitch every 5 days for 100+ pitches at a time. During their off days, they are working on their game and throwing bullpen sessions. Why not eliminate the bullpen session, allow them to affect more games by pitching more often, but don't allow them to pitch as many pitches or innings as a normal starting rotation. Situational substitutions occur throughout the game, not just when the starter comes out. You can still get your top guys more innings than your lesser talents by timing the appearances and the situations in which they pitch. Closers are out. If you want someone quality to finish a game, why can they only throw one inning? Change the thinking from MLB rotations to NBA rotations - some are crunch time guys, some are scrubs that only come in during blowouts. The upside is that everyone is available - if you need an out and haven't used Verlander in a few days, bring him out there. If you are down by 12 and just need to eat innings, bring anyone from the 2012 Twins rotation in.
Maybe I can understand why the innovations don't occur at the MLB level. The game is played a very similar way all the way up the minors to the majors, so tinkering at that point might be a little late (though for low budget teams, it might be worth it to play a little differently). Though, if you think about it, NBA and NFL players learn new systems and plays all the time, why not the MLB? Also, it would appear the ability to innovate at the lower levels, especially where defense is a little more suspect, would be totally plausible. At minimum, it would be a fun experiment, and who knows, you might be the guy that changes the game. Wouldn't it be worth it just to piss Bud Selig and all the other tradition over innovation types off?
JB3
With that said, baseball needs a facelift, or at least a shot of botox. There are some things about baseball that drive me insane. My biggest pet peeve about baseball is the adherence to tradition for tradition's sake. The justification of rules and procedures based on "that is what we have always done" is typically useless and annoying. Change doesn't need to affect the heart of the game or the essence of what makes it good. You can clean up your house without moving.
So, let's tap the needle and start injecting (sorry, bad analogy for baseball). Here are some suggestions that I have to inject a bit of life into the game (or at least stop its wrinkled, weathered face from falling further):
Rules:
1) Instant Replay - stop dinking around and add a damn challenge flag already. Run it similar to the NFL. Not on balls and strikes, but everything else is available. Safe/Out, Homer/Not, Catch/Not - all is up for grabs for 2x per game for each manager. Add a monitor near the backstop and communication capabilities to an upstairs booth.
Now, my wife was quick on the draw with the most talked about argument: We don't need to lengthen a baseball game further. I agree completely, and here are my fixes for that.
2) Time Limits Between Pitches - 20 second maximums from the time the pitcher receives the ball to beginning of delivery. The penalty is an automatic ball. I think this rule is for anyone who has had to stomach a full 4 and 1/2 hour game between the Yankees and Red Sox (on roughly about 75x per year) with each pitcher coming off the rubber to the rosin bag and standing there for 10 minutes before checking the runner at first and starting the process all over again. Just stop. Also, while we are at it, let's quit condoning these A.D.D. batting routines and keep the hitters in the box. Are batting glove bands so poor that they need to be retightened after every look at a pitch? I don't think so. Get in there and hit. Umps need to take control and not allow hitters out of the box unless something actually relevant happens. This alone should save us time enough to install instant replay.
3) Stop with the meetings - No more catcher talking to the pitcher. No more infield meetings at the mound. No more pitching coach talks followed by polite buttslaps. This is not AA or the Elks Lodge - it is a baseball game. What the hell is all the talking about anyway? Candlesticks do make a nice gift (Bull Durham reference) but I really think we are past needing to be reminded of it every game. Also, why do we allow the pitching coach out there at all? Starting pitchers pitch every 5 days. Why can't you discuss mechanics on off days? Why do I have to be there for the assistant coach to tell his pitcher to bend his legs a few more inches? You don't see the NFL special teams coach talking to the punter on the field do you? Also, most of these meetings are admitted time wasters to get the guy in the bullpen more time to warm up. How about some better planning instead of further time wasting? Then, after the time wasting meeting, what does the relief pitcher do when he arrives at the mound... HE WARMS UP AGAIN! Let's go already.
4) Arguments are a goner - This one is a little more of a bummer, but I think its time has come. I sometimes love seeing an overweight old man stuffed in a too tight uniform getting all red faced by berating an authority figure. It makes for good viewing. However, you know what makes for better viewing? The baseball game itself. Seriously, NFL, NBA, or hockey would never allow this crap. Can you imagine the blowback if Belichick races on the field, stops the game for 10 minutes, and berates an official for a call that we KNOW was never going to be reversed in the first place? Wouldn't Goodell make sure that Bill's kids couldn't go to college with the amount of fines he would levy? NBA coaches get fined for discussing referees constantly, and they are doing it in the locker room after the game. Technical fouls for yelling at officials during the game cost you points in the NBA. In baseball, you berate the hell out of an official, delay the game, get tossed, and there is no penalty outside of enjoying a beer while watching the game in the clubhouse tv. Seems a little strange.
The above rule changes would add speed and accuracy to the game without really changing the essence of the game. It is still played the same but tweaked in a way that makes it bearable to watch for the average American attention span.
Innovations:
Run and Gun or Wildcat Offense in the NFL. Small Ball or Showtime in the NBA. These are dramatic changes to offensive systems in the league that created havoc based on innovative ideas. If you look at a baseball game, Abner Doubleday and the boys would pretty much have suited up and played the game the same way that Pujols and Halladay are playing today. There is some solace in that from a historical perspective but it seems strange that we haven't seen someone come in and try SOMETHING different.
There have been small changes recently mostly based on the advanced statistical knowledge that has created moneyball type of innovation and changes to defensive shifts and scenario analysis. However, what I am talking about are radical changes to the way the game is played. Here are some radical thoughts that could get the wheels rolling:
1) Speed Demons: College Sprinters run about 20 miles per hour. That means they could get 90 feet in about 3.1 seconds. Couldn't we teach at least a few of them to grab a bat and tell them to choke up? Well placed bunts and half swings with that kind of speed could create pressure on infielders. Once on base, continued bunts / steals / hit and runs could create enough distractions to pitchers to create more of a mess for the opposing team. Even if you don't fill your team with these guys, wouldn't an emphasis on a few spots for this type of athlete combined with a different style of hitting add a flavor to the game that would make it more interesting to watch?
2) Pitching Rotations: Why is the 5 man rotation the way to go? Why not 7? Why not 3? Why not have everyone in the rotation? My innovation here would be based on the notion that hitters get more comfortable on the 2nd or 3rd at bats against the same pitcher. Why let that happen? In my rotation, everyone starts and everyone should be prepared to pitch every 3 days for 3-5 innings. Starters are currently very highly paid to pitch every 5 days for 100+ pitches at a time. During their off days, they are working on their game and throwing bullpen sessions. Why not eliminate the bullpen session, allow them to affect more games by pitching more often, but don't allow them to pitch as many pitches or innings as a normal starting rotation. Situational substitutions occur throughout the game, not just when the starter comes out. You can still get your top guys more innings than your lesser talents by timing the appearances and the situations in which they pitch. Closers are out. If you want someone quality to finish a game, why can they only throw one inning? Change the thinking from MLB rotations to NBA rotations - some are crunch time guys, some are scrubs that only come in during blowouts. The upside is that everyone is available - if you need an out and haven't used Verlander in a few days, bring him out there. If you are down by 12 and just need to eat innings, bring anyone from the 2012 Twins rotation in.
Maybe I can understand why the innovations don't occur at the MLB level. The game is played a very similar way all the way up the minors to the majors, so tinkering at that point might be a little late (though for low budget teams, it might be worth it to play a little differently). Though, if you think about it, NBA and NFL players learn new systems and plays all the time, why not the MLB? Also, it would appear the ability to innovate at the lower levels, especially where defense is a little more suspect, would be totally plausible. At minimum, it would be a fun experiment, and who knows, you might be the guy that changes the game. Wouldn't it be worth it just to piss Bud Selig and all the other tradition over innovation types off?
JB3
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Time for Redskins and Indians to Go
Let's play a game. We are going to pretend I was Zuckerberg's Harvard roommate, the one who set him up with the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. As a shout out, I got 5% of Facebook. As of Friday, I am now a verified Billionaire. Now that I am loaded, I have decided to spend my hard earned cash on an NFL and MLB team.
One of the first decisions that someone in this endeavor would have to make is what to name my team. In this regard, I am going to pay homage to the locals in the community by bringing in a civic pride name that people can get behind. In that regard, I am debating about starting a team in Wisconsin and calling them the "Whitebread Honkey Crackers", or bringing the first pro team to Alabama, and I am naming them simply "Blackface". For the Whitebreads, I am bringing out a mascot that is a piece of white bread with a huge toothy grin that dresses like a J. Crew model and dances with no rhythm. For the Blackface, think of a logo that looks like Billy Crystal doing Sammy Davis Jr.
What did you say? Why would I blatantly deride a particular ethnic group for a substantial profit from the sale of merchandise with an offensive logo on it? Because I am following the model of the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins, that's why.
In all seriousness, it is time to stop pretending these names and images aren't racist and way past due for change. Redskins is the NFL team of OUR NATION'S CAPITAL for crying out loud. How, in 2012, can this still be the name of a team in America? What is the possible defense of this name? Really, I googled a lot of different terms to try to find the argument that Dan Snyder, owner of the "Redskins", uses to challenge the assertion that his team name is racist, degrading, and a mockery of 5.2 Million Americans. I couldn't find it. If you have his or any other justification, I would love to know.
For the Indians, they go for the more acceptable team term (still inappropriate, but far less brash about it), then follow it up with a caricature of a mascot and name him Chief Wahoo. Let me say that again - a red face mascot named Chief Wahoo. Can someone explain to me how this mascot is any different than the "Sambo" or "Mammy" impressions that have been decried as racist and long overdue for removal? Would anyone be okay paying $20 for a hat that was affiliated with a team called the "Asians" with a picture of the "slant-eyed, buck-tooth, no speaky engrish" racist drawings of the past. No, they wouldn't. So why is Chief Wahoo still generating big profit dollars for Major League Baseball?
What I can't figure out is how a culture that has become so touchy on the subject of race treats these images with such apathy. Oh yes I do, because the NFL and MLB have substantial sums of money while the group in question has the least amount of political influence and is consistently among the forgotten people of the United States. It's true. Why else would this ever be allowed to stand?
Do either of these images, even if not blatantly offensive to some, really scream tolerance? Are color labels really where we want to stay? I will admit, I still use black as a term for African Americans. I do so with the possibly limited justification that it seems that the African Americans that I know and/or follow have taken to the "black" moniker as a source of pride. However, would I ever call an Asian "Yellow" or a Hispanic "Brown"? Absolutely not. Also, if someone I knew that was African American told me it was offensive for me to call them black, I probably wouldn't do it anymore. In regard to the team in Washington, they are protested EVERY YEAR by Native Americans and not only do they continue to use it, they continue to make a profit on its use. How is this okay?
I didn't always think like this. I used to own products from these teams and several of the college teams that have Native American logos. I used to feel that wearing these gave a source of "I am one, so it's okay" kind of pride and the thought that at least those items gave some recognition to the Native community. I now feel differently. Supporting these teams with my dollars validates their status quo as the profit derived is the only reason I see for billionaire owners to keep these names intact. Money is the largest concern of these institutions and my guess is that "social change" would be far faster if it was facilitated by economic impact.
Look, I know that changing these names won't solve the problems that Native Americans face, many of which are self inflicted. I know there are deep seated issues of education, drugs, poverty, health care, and crime that won't change overnight if Washington and Cleveland wise up. I am well aware of this. However, can't we agree that social acceptance of degrading names and logos gives an impression of ignorance and profit from racism shouldn't really be a part of 2 high profile, major league organizations? If we can agree on that, then maybe - just maybe - we can affect a small change that will show that at least someone is in the corner of the little guy here.
To do my small part, I am writing this blog post and attaching a petition on change.org that I have started as well. I will be forwarding this blog to persons affiliated with professional organizations and to community leaders in various government organizations. It is what I feel I can do and we will see where it goes. If you wish to support this action, feel free to sign the petition and forward this post. If you have an opposing view, I am always open to the fact that I might be missing something. Please include it in the comments section of my blog or on the petition itself. Thanks.
Petition: http://www.change.org/petitions/the-national-football-league-and-major-league-baseball-remove-redskins-and-indians-from-nfl-and-mlb-names-and-logos#
JB3
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Don't Chase The Night
Back in 2010, Bill Simmons from ESPN had an article that relayed a story about Worldwide Wes and an unnamed NBA player. For those that don't know, Worldwide Wes is a power broker type in the NBA and has relationships with a lot of the top players. Anyway, the story goes that Wes and said player were outside the club at 2:45 am when the player wanted to find "the next place". Wes proceeded to give the following advice: "You can't chase the night. When the night is over, it's over. You just gotta wake up tomorrow and hope for a better day."
I have come to rank this among "don't eat yellow snow" as some of the most sage advice ever given. If I had this advice in my late teens and early twenties, there would be a lot fewer cases of "I can't believe I did that", "Man, that sucked", and "I should have just stayed home" in my memory file.
In my opinion, the quest for the ultimate night is much more likely to end in disappointment than satisfaction. Think about the nights where the going was good - did it ever seem forced? Now think about the nights where it started out okay and you thought a change of venue would kick it into the next gear. How did that work out for you? My guess would be it devolved into one of the following categories:
1) "Man, I spent way too much money last night." Do you ever feel regret about this when you had an awesome time? My guess is yes, but you don't START the conversation that way. If someone asks you how your night was, and these words come out of your mouth, you chased the night and it got away.
2) "Me and Person X got into a big fight." This is a classic chase the night phenomenon. What happens is you are concentrating too much on the person next to you because the night sucks. Mixing booze with irritation is a great way to ruin any experience. Usually, it manifests itself to picking fights with friends or total strangers. Either is a bad option and would have never happened if you had realized the night was over when it was over.
3) "The next morning life re-evaluation." The night really got away from you when this occurs. If it is Sunday, you are sitting in bed, and all you can think is "what is wrong with me... I really need to make some changes", chances are the night wasn't an overly fun experience. This could result from your choice of the #1 and #2 combo meal where you fought your friend and spent this month's rent. Also, there are other reasons for the life evaluation - the night never got going at all, your friends bothered the hell out of you, and you feel that playing Solitaire Jenga and picking belly lint would have been a more fun evening. That is a life re-evaluation type night. The bad news is these nights are a wicked bummer. The good news is that these nights tend to happen to us all once in a while. They aren't a reflection on your poor character, just the culmination of a lot of bad choices while searching out that terrific time that you know is out there. However, if life re-evaluation is a fixture of your weekends, chances are a little change of behavior may be in order.
I like to think I have learned a little in my formative years. Last night was a good example. I was out with friends having a good time, but the venue was, shall we say, lacking. Now, last night being Cinco de Mayo, knowing me means knowing that I don't like the type of crowds that go out for that type of event. What old me would have done was chase the night to the next locale and fought through the same issues as our current spot. This was setting up to be a classic #1. New me made a conscious decision to realize that the night for me was over and I will just wake up tomorrow and hope for a better day. The better day meant an uncloudy head, comfortable stomach, and quality time with my little girl. I didn't chase and it turned out great.
Now, this is when the old me rears his ugly head by telling me "yeah, but how do you know you didn't MISS THE BEST TIME EVER???" That is what chasing the night has on its side - the unknown. Ignore that devil on your shoulder. The best times don't come with those types of decisions. They evolve naturally. Just like most things - don't over think it and don't force it. If it happens it happens. When they do, you get a great story. When they don't, well... there's always another chance next weekend.
JB3
I have come to rank this among "don't eat yellow snow" as some of the most sage advice ever given. If I had this advice in my late teens and early twenties, there would be a lot fewer cases of "I can't believe I did that", "Man, that sucked", and "I should have just stayed home" in my memory file.
In my opinion, the quest for the ultimate night is much more likely to end in disappointment than satisfaction. Think about the nights where the going was good - did it ever seem forced? Now think about the nights where it started out okay and you thought a change of venue would kick it into the next gear. How did that work out for you? My guess would be it devolved into one of the following categories:
1) "Man, I spent way too much money last night." Do you ever feel regret about this when you had an awesome time? My guess is yes, but you don't START the conversation that way. If someone asks you how your night was, and these words come out of your mouth, you chased the night and it got away.
2) "Me and Person X got into a big fight." This is a classic chase the night phenomenon. What happens is you are concentrating too much on the person next to you because the night sucks. Mixing booze with irritation is a great way to ruin any experience. Usually, it manifests itself to picking fights with friends or total strangers. Either is a bad option and would have never happened if you had realized the night was over when it was over.
3) "The next morning life re-evaluation." The night really got away from you when this occurs. If it is Sunday, you are sitting in bed, and all you can think is "what is wrong with me... I really need to make some changes", chances are the night wasn't an overly fun experience. This could result from your choice of the #1 and #2 combo meal where you fought your friend and spent this month's rent. Also, there are other reasons for the life evaluation - the night never got going at all, your friends bothered the hell out of you, and you feel that playing Solitaire Jenga and picking belly lint would have been a more fun evening. That is a life re-evaluation type night. The bad news is these nights are a wicked bummer. The good news is that these nights tend to happen to us all once in a while. They aren't a reflection on your poor character, just the culmination of a lot of bad choices while searching out that terrific time that you know is out there. However, if life re-evaluation is a fixture of your weekends, chances are a little change of behavior may be in order.
I like to think I have learned a little in my formative years. Last night was a good example. I was out with friends having a good time, but the venue was, shall we say, lacking. Now, last night being Cinco de Mayo, knowing me means knowing that I don't like the type of crowds that go out for that type of event. What old me would have done was chase the night to the next locale and fought through the same issues as our current spot. This was setting up to be a classic #1. New me made a conscious decision to realize that the night for me was over and I will just wake up tomorrow and hope for a better day. The better day meant an uncloudy head, comfortable stomach, and quality time with my little girl. I didn't chase and it turned out great.
Now, this is when the old me rears his ugly head by telling me "yeah, but how do you know you didn't MISS THE BEST TIME EVER???" That is what chasing the night has on its side - the unknown. Ignore that devil on your shoulder. The best times don't come with those types of decisions. They evolve naturally. Just like most things - don't over think it and don't force it. If it happens it happens. When they do, you get a great story. When they don't, well... there's always another chance next weekend.
JB3
Monday, April 30, 2012
Beer Is Not Wine and I Like It That Way
Here is the thing - I like beer. I started my beer life by tolerating it. It was an ends justify the means relationship. I have since grown to appreciate the method, not just the madness that tends to follow. I now enjoy different species of beer and I would say my palate has grown from "cheap and a lot" to "just a couple that taste good".
Here is what I don't like about beer lately. It is becoming wine. Not in the "cool trick that only Jesus can pull off" kind of way, but in a "I now want to shoot myself after the 15 minute diatribe on the hint of honeydew and raindrops in this amber bock" kind of way.
This is beer people. Beer is a ballgame, wine is a cheese tasting. Beer is hockey, wine is polo. Beer is meant for the masses. It is a salt of the earth beverage imbibed by people who bust their ass for a living. Wine is pretentious. Wine likes you to know how damn hard it was to become what you are drinking. Beer just says "hey, take off your shoes, turn on the tube, and enjoy". Just check out the names: Bud, Sam, and Miller versus Ernest and Julio Gallo. Beer has the Hamms' Bear or the Schmidt Fish on it. Wine typically has a bridge or meadow on the bottle. Lastly, wine never came in a can that you can smash on your forehead.
The funny thing is, beer and wine were both just fine in their roles. Beer was happy with the blue collars and wine was just peachy among the aristocracy. Then something happened along the way. Be it the microbrew phenomenon (which I support) or just the hipster movement looking for something else to be a pseudo-expert on (which I fully denounce), beer conversations started sounding more like wine conversations.
Forgive me for going all Ron Swanson here, but waitress, don't tell me where my beer comes from or its back story. Here is what I want to know. 1) Is it cold? 2) Is it good? 3) How much does it cost? I need help with #1 and #3 - the rest I can handle on my own.
What I don't need is the chronicle of the harrowing journey of the hops and barley from field to bottle. I don't need a limited edition, only tap it when the sun sets at 6:37pm every April beer. And I really don't need an instruction guide on how to drink it and what to pair it with. Here are my instructions for beer: Open, Drink, Recycle. Here are my pairings for beer: Meat, Wings, Pizza.
What I am trying to say is life is complicated enough. Quit adding complexity and substance to something that works best with simplicity. If you want to be an expert on your beer's origin, fine, you paid your money. However, before you look down at the guy enjoying his Budweiser at the local watering hole, just remember, he was beer before beer was cool, and he doesn't give two shits about its origin. He likes it, and that is all he needs to know.
JB3
Here is what I don't like about beer lately. It is becoming wine. Not in the "cool trick that only Jesus can pull off" kind of way, but in a "I now want to shoot myself after the 15 minute diatribe on the hint of honeydew and raindrops in this amber bock" kind of way.
This is beer people. Beer is a ballgame, wine is a cheese tasting. Beer is hockey, wine is polo. Beer is meant for the masses. It is a salt of the earth beverage imbibed by people who bust their ass for a living. Wine is pretentious. Wine likes you to know how damn hard it was to become what you are drinking. Beer just says "hey, take off your shoes, turn on the tube, and enjoy". Just check out the names: Bud, Sam, and Miller versus Ernest and Julio Gallo. Beer has the Hamms' Bear or the Schmidt Fish on it. Wine typically has a bridge or meadow on the bottle. Lastly, wine never came in a can that you can smash on your forehead.
The funny thing is, beer and wine were both just fine in their roles. Beer was happy with the blue collars and wine was just peachy among the aristocracy. Then something happened along the way. Be it the microbrew phenomenon (which I support) or just the hipster movement looking for something else to be a pseudo-expert on (which I fully denounce), beer conversations started sounding more like wine conversations.
Forgive me for going all Ron Swanson here, but waitress, don't tell me where my beer comes from or its back story. Here is what I want to know. 1) Is it cold? 2) Is it good? 3) How much does it cost? I need help with #1 and #3 - the rest I can handle on my own.
What I don't need is the chronicle of the harrowing journey of the hops and barley from field to bottle. I don't need a limited edition, only tap it when the sun sets at 6:37pm every April beer. And I really don't need an instruction guide on how to drink it and what to pair it with. Here are my instructions for beer: Open, Drink, Recycle. Here are my pairings for beer: Meat, Wings, Pizza.
What I am trying to say is life is complicated enough. Quit adding complexity and substance to something that works best with simplicity. If you want to be an expert on your beer's origin, fine, you paid your money. However, before you look down at the guy enjoying his Budweiser at the local watering hole, just remember, he was beer before beer was cool, and he doesn't give two shits about its origin. He likes it, and that is all he needs to know.
JB3
Friday, April 27, 2012
Who Wants to Manhandle Larry O'Brien in June?
No, I didn't get hacked by a male escort service. Larry O'Brien is the namesake of the NBA Championship trophy, and this piece is going to dissect who I believe will be hoisting him up, kissing and hugging on him at the end of the season. We'll work it from least to most likely, and "Here We Go!" (Did you see that Bud Light? Worked the slogan right in there... how about a sponsorship?... Hello?... Don't you hang up on me!)
16) Orlando Magic: Without D-Howard, the Magic protect the rim about as well as that security guard that got the rocking chair from Costanza. Barring some 3 point barrage from the Magic, this series will likely end quickly and painfully. I have said this before and I will say it again. What Dwight did to Orlando was worse than what LeBron did to Cleveland. Cleveland got shot in the head on national TV. Dwight held the victim hostage and repeatedly stabbed them. Shouldn't Orlando say yes to Howard to the Lakers for Bynum and a #1 pick just to get rid of the drama?
15) Utah Jazz: I appreciate the pick for my T-Wolves, but I just don't see them making it past San Antonio. I know people are mentioning Memphis of last year, but Parker is going to destroy Devin Harris, and Utah isn't as good on perimeter defense as Memphis was last year. They make take a game, maybe two, but that's about it. It was fun watching Big Shot Al give the Wolves a sorely needed 1st rounder though. I was Da Da Da Da Da, Loving It (McDonald's - see Bud Light above)
14) Philadelphia 76ers: Sorry, not enough here. They need to move Iggy for a big to make waves in the playoffs. Also, they are kind of boring. Unless Doug Collins brings back the tighty whitey fro from the 1980's Bulls teams, I'm just not watching.
13) Atlanta Hawks: This is not a team built for a ring, especially without Horford. They will give Boston fits, but they can't contain Rondo, and that will be their downfall. Even if they snuck by Boston, which these guys are the first team that I feel could win their first round matchup, Joe J and Josh Smith aren't taking you to the promiseland alone.
12) LA Clippers: They don't have it between the ears. Sorry, Blake Griffin isn't in Kevin Love's class right now. If it is a highlight reel I am looking for, I call Blake. If I want to win basketball games in the NBA, I call for Love (1-976-LOVE to be specific). 55% from the stripe and no real discernable post moves for your second best player will be a problem. Hack a Griffin will be popular and will work because it will affect him mentally. I really like Chris Paul's game, but he has to do way too much for them to win. Kind of like D. Rose last year.
11) Dallas Mavericks: Too many changes for them to make a title run. They will make it tough on OKC in what should be a good first round series. Dirk has looked high on a ring for most of the year - he doesn't seem to have the same "Germanation" (short for German Determination) as last year. Deron Williams will make this a much tougher team to play in 2012-2013. It is done, sign off and move on.
10) NY Knicks: Don't let them fool you. Miami needs to end this early. They can't afford to get this to 6 or 7 games. Game 6 at MSG will be INSANE and if it goes to 7, Miami's fans will have too much poop in their pants to stand up and cheer. Kill 'em quick, or see the end of the Big Two and Predator (I liked when Bosh had the dreads because he looked just like Predator - even with the short hair, he looks like Predator going for a job interview)
9) Denver Nuggets: I really think if they had the home court advantage, they could take the Lake. Too bad they don't, because this team is actually fun to watch. Ty Lawson would have looked great as an energy guy in a T-Wolves uniform, and I think he can pick apart the Lakers (more on this later). Javale's not ready for prime time yet, but watch out for the sneaky Nuggets - they are building something interesting here. This series gets my vote for most fun to watch.
8) Indiana Pacers: When they signed D. West, they set themselves up as a playoff scare. Couldn't be a better situation for them that the Magic are in without Dwight, but unless the Knicks do pull the upset of all upsets, I don't see much for them in the 2nd round. Not as fun to watch as Denver, and PG not as trustworthy, but a solid, hustling team that is a tough out and has some similarities to Memphis last year.
7) Boston Celtics: I am one of the guys that would love to see a last ditch run, but after this season, the legs can't be what they once were. 66 games in what felt like 67 days is just too much. Playoffs need deep rosters, Boston has Stiemsma in a prominent role. Sorry, I don't see it. On the bright side, the Wolves have plenty of cap space to get Ray Ray on a 2 year deal and KG on a midlevel exception! As crazy and psycho as KG's Championship speech was, don't you want to see him end it with another one for the 'Sota??? Come on, that would be some great TV right there.
6) San Antonio Spurs: Slightly better than the Celts, but the same problems. Parker can do more than Rondo in the playoffs because he can score and hit free throws, but they are facing the same foe - Father Time. I really like Popovich, I think he should win coach of the year in a landslide, but I just don't know if they have the gas to finish off some of these tough West teams.
5) LA Lakers: Kobe, Bynum, Gasol. That's it, but that is a really good "it". It will get them past Denver, but I think these guys are looking at a 2nd round out. The trade deadline was so funny to me. Ramon Sessions, a guy the WOLVES DIDN'T WANT ANYMORE, is the playoff savior for the Lakers because he isn't as bad as the corpse that used to be Derek Fisher? Please. Ty Lawson is going to eat him alive.
4) Chicago Bulls: Sorry, what is different than last year? These guys play great defense, play extremely hard, and will be a tough out for anyone. However, Rose still needs to play great for them to win and he is more banged up this year than last. I like Thibodeau a lot, and the Bulls are a model for how you should play defense and play together, but they still can't create their own shot. Rip isn't enough, I don't see them making the Finals.
3) Memphis Grizzlies: One of the best perimeter defense teams out there with athletic wings and they can protect the middle as well. You need to guard 3 guys on offense at all times which leaves open shots for others and the bench is pretty deep. The wildcard is crazy Zach Randolph. If he plays like last year, I believe this team makes the finals. However, he played out of his insane little mind last year - I can't predict that happening again.
2) Oklahoma City Thunder: They slipped late, which has people worried, and the coach is overmatched in most chess games (with the exception of Vinny Del Negro, who plays checkers), but this team is built to win this year. If Harden is full strength, there are 3 guys who can go for big offense and Ibaka protects the rim about as well as anyone. Westbrook still plays a little too crazy, but when you have 3 guys that can win games for you, along with a better supporting cast than the Lake Show, I don't see what derails them. They are beatable, but I think they have to be the favorite out of the West.
1) Miami Heat: Sorry to be so boring and I know this is not a deep team. However, James and Wade are just too tough, they are a smidgen better at working together, and James is not shooting dumb outside shots as frequently. When LeBron posts, with the way he passes, it makes it so difficult for any team to match up. I know the chokes, I know the interior defense is bad, and I said the Knicks have a shot at taking them. However, they faced a buzzsaw team last year that was playing with a ton of confidence (Jason Terry - are you kidding me?) or else they would have won the title. They are better this year and I think they finish it off this time.
Brackets:
SA over Utah in 5 Chicago over Philly in 4
Memphis over Clips in 6 Boston over Atlanta in 6
Lakers over Denver in 7 Indiana over Orlando in 4
OKC over Dallas in 6 Miami over NYK in 5
Memphis over SA in 6 Chicago over Boston in 6
OKC over Lakers in 6 Miami over Indiana in 4
OKC over Memphis in 7 Miami over Chicago in 6
Miami over OKC in 6
16) Orlando Magic: Without D-Howard, the Magic protect the rim about as well as that security guard that got the rocking chair from Costanza. Barring some 3 point barrage from the Magic, this series will likely end quickly and painfully. I have said this before and I will say it again. What Dwight did to Orlando was worse than what LeBron did to Cleveland. Cleveland got shot in the head on national TV. Dwight held the victim hostage and repeatedly stabbed them. Shouldn't Orlando say yes to Howard to the Lakers for Bynum and a #1 pick just to get rid of the drama?
15) Utah Jazz: I appreciate the pick for my T-Wolves, but I just don't see them making it past San Antonio. I know people are mentioning Memphis of last year, but Parker is going to destroy Devin Harris, and Utah isn't as good on perimeter defense as Memphis was last year. They make take a game, maybe two, but that's about it. It was fun watching Big Shot Al give the Wolves a sorely needed 1st rounder though. I was Da Da Da Da Da, Loving It (McDonald's - see Bud Light above)
14) Philadelphia 76ers: Sorry, not enough here. They need to move Iggy for a big to make waves in the playoffs. Also, they are kind of boring. Unless Doug Collins brings back the tighty whitey fro from the 1980's Bulls teams, I'm just not watching.
13) Atlanta Hawks: This is not a team built for a ring, especially without Horford. They will give Boston fits, but they can't contain Rondo, and that will be their downfall. Even if they snuck by Boston, which these guys are the first team that I feel could win their first round matchup, Joe J and Josh Smith aren't taking you to the promiseland alone.
12) LA Clippers: They don't have it between the ears. Sorry, Blake Griffin isn't in Kevin Love's class right now. If it is a highlight reel I am looking for, I call Blake. If I want to win basketball games in the NBA, I call for Love (1-976-LOVE to be specific). 55% from the stripe and no real discernable post moves for your second best player will be a problem. Hack a Griffin will be popular and will work because it will affect him mentally. I really like Chris Paul's game, but he has to do way too much for them to win. Kind of like D. Rose last year.
11) Dallas Mavericks: Too many changes for them to make a title run. They will make it tough on OKC in what should be a good first round series. Dirk has looked high on a ring for most of the year - he doesn't seem to have the same "Germanation" (short for German Determination) as last year. Deron Williams will make this a much tougher team to play in 2012-2013. It is done, sign off and move on.
10) NY Knicks: Don't let them fool you. Miami needs to end this early. They can't afford to get this to 6 or 7 games. Game 6 at MSG will be INSANE and if it goes to 7, Miami's fans will have too much poop in their pants to stand up and cheer. Kill 'em quick, or see the end of the Big Two and Predator (I liked when Bosh had the dreads because he looked just like Predator - even with the short hair, he looks like Predator going for a job interview)
9) Denver Nuggets: I really think if they had the home court advantage, they could take the Lake. Too bad they don't, because this team is actually fun to watch. Ty Lawson would have looked great as an energy guy in a T-Wolves uniform, and I think he can pick apart the Lakers (more on this later). Javale's not ready for prime time yet, but watch out for the sneaky Nuggets - they are building something interesting here. This series gets my vote for most fun to watch.
8) Indiana Pacers: When they signed D. West, they set themselves up as a playoff scare. Couldn't be a better situation for them that the Magic are in without Dwight, but unless the Knicks do pull the upset of all upsets, I don't see much for them in the 2nd round. Not as fun to watch as Denver, and PG not as trustworthy, but a solid, hustling team that is a tough out and has some similarities to Memphis last year.
7) Boston Celtics: I am one of the guys that would love to see a last ditch run, but after this season, the legs can't be what they once were. 66 games in what felt like 67 days is just too much. Playoffs need deep rosters, Boston has Stiemsma in a prominent role. Sorry, I don't see it. On the bright side, the Wolves have plenty of cap space to get Ray Ray on a 2 year deal and KG on a midlevel exception! As crazy and psycho as KG's Championship speech was, don't you want to see him end it with another one for the 'Sota??? Come on, that would be some great TV right there.
6) San Antonio Spurs: Slightly better than the Celts, but the same problems. Parker can do more than Rondo in the playoffs because he can score and hit free throws, but they are facing the same foe - Father Time. I really like Popovich, I think he should win coach of the year in a landslide, but I just don't know if they have the gas to finish off some of these tough West teams.
5) LA Lakers: Kobe, Bynum, Gasol. That's it, but that is a really good "it". It will get them past Denver, but I think these guys are looking at a 2nd round out. The trade deadline was so funny to me. Ramon Sessions, a guy the WOLVES DIDN'T WANT ANYMORE, is the playoff savior for the Lakers because he isn't as bad as the corpse that used to be Derek Fisher? Please. Ty Lawson is going to eat him alive.
4) Chicago Bulls: Sorry, what is different than last year? These guys play great defense, play extremely hard, and will be a tough out for anyone. However, Rose still needs to play great for them to win and he is more banged up this year than last. I like Thibodeau a lot, and the Bulls are a model for how you should play defense and play together, but they still can't create their own shot. Rip isn't enough, I don't see them making the Finals.
3) Memphis Grizzlies: One of the best perimeter defense teams out there with athletic wings and they can protect the middle as well. You need to guard 3 guys on offense at all times which leaves open shots for others and the bench is pretty deep. The wildcard is crazy Zach Randolph. If he plays like last year, I believe this team makes the finals. However, he played out of his insane little mind last year - I can't predict that happening again.
2) Oklahoma City Thunder: They slipped late, which has people worried, and the coach is overmatched in most chess games (with the exception of Vinny Del Negro, who plays checkers), but this team is built to win this year. If Harden is full strength, there are 3 guys who can go for big offense and Ibaka protects the rim about as well as anyone. Westbrook still plays a little too crazy, but when you have 3 guys that can win games for you, along with a better supporting cast than the Lake Show, I don't see what derails them. They are beatable, but I think they have to be the favorite out of the West.
1) Miami Heat: Sorry to be so boring and I know this is not a deep team. However, James and Wade are just too tough, they are a smidgen better at working together, and James is not shooting dumb outside shots as frequently. When LeBron posts, with the way he passes, it makes it so difficult for any team to match up. I know the chokes, I know the interior defense is bad, and I said the Knicks have a shot at taking them. However, they faced a buzzsaw team last year that was playing with a ton of confidence (Jason Terry - are you kidding me?) or else they would have won the title. They are better this year and I think they finish it off this time.
Brackets:
SA over Utah in 5 Chicago over Philly in 4
Memphis over Clips in 6 Boston over Atlanta in 6
Lakers over Denver in 7 Indiana over Orlando in 4
OKC over Dallas in 6 Miami over NYK in 5
Memphis over SA in 6 Chicago over Boston in 6
OKC over Lakers in 6 Miami over Indiana in 4
OKC over Memphis in 7 Miami over Chicago in 6
Miami over OKC in 6
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Loving Road House (and you should too)
For those that don't know, Road House is the 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze. The premise is an all-world "cooler" (head bouncer for you not familiar with bar biz lingo) named Dalton faces off against a small town overlord in the fight for... well... I don't really know. But they are fightin', and the fightin' is good!
Now when I say you should love Road House, this is not in a Schindler's List or Bridge on the River Kwai kind of way. This is not a good movie, this is a cheesy movie at its finest. Terrible premise, bad acting, gratuitous boob shots, and some of the best 80's hair you will ever see. Here are the top 5 reasons you need to not only watch Road House, but appreciate it for the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.
1) Bouncers/Henchmen: The bouncers and henchmen in Road House each cast a very distinctive niche, and many are noteworthy. Starting with Steve the Bouncer - Steve is the MAN! Steve don't care if that's a Sears credit card, get your underage ass in here and party. Dalton, you gonna fire Steve for hammering that same girl? Well, he WAS on his break. Steve is like a sexy honey badger. Other bouncers include Terry Funk (yes, Terry "I'm so hot, I'm juicy" Funk) - who uses his wrasslin' experience to go from face to heel and never does go to Barber College. Also, we have token "ultra fat" guys on each side. The ultra fat bouncer is just a generally jolly guy that is all smiles, rolls, and curly mullet and is just generally happy to have a job. The ultra fat henchman is "Tinker" (of course he is), and is pretty lovable for a guy who beats up old guys and manages to get a knife slash on Dalton. Tiny gets the last line of the movie with "A Polar Bear fell on me". That should tell you all you need to know about the awesomeness of Road House.
2) Dalton's hair: Swayze hair at its absolute apex. It's a feathered mullet. Let me repeat. FEATHERED MULLET! Even with that awesome description, it still doesn't do it justice. Dalton's hair is in the same category as Kojak's lollipop, Luke's lightsaber, or Dirk Diggler's uhhh... other Dirk. The movie just wouldn't be the same without it. I say if chicks can go to the salon and ask for the "Rachel", dudes should be able to hit up a cost cutters for a "Dalton"
3) Cooler Rankings: Supposedly, Dalton is the "Best Damn Cooler in the Business". Seriously, who is responsible for these rankings, because I want to be involved. What are the criteria? Drunk dude throwing capability, speed of delivery of matches for cigarette lighting, witty repartee while maintaining eye contact with the dance floor? In the age of reality television, we really need to make "Bouncer Games" happen. The challenges would be more captivating than anything Survivor can come up with, and the fact that you have to add alcohol for realism only makes it better. Get Mark Burnett on the phone, I think I'm on to something here.
4) Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett: Has there ever been a better screen mentor than Wade Garrett? Bite Me Miyagi, I need advice from my "mijo". Wade may fight on one knee and may spend a little too much time staring at my girl's ass, but give me the patented knee smash along with the salt and pepper mullet hair pullback move and I am all set. He may take a knife to the front of his wife beater in the end, but the wisdom and what I have to imagine is awful beer breath will stay with us for the rest of our lives.
5) Brad Wesley: Alright, I like Dalton, but I want to BE Brad Wesley. Here is a guy with a house on a river with a pool and helicopter pad (oh yeah, with helicopter too). He gets kickbacks from all the local businesses, he has the hottest girl in town as his in house stripper, and Christ, JCPenney is coming to Jasper because of him. He has a small army of henchmen who ride around in a Bigfoot - do I need any more reason? Lastly, he is old as hell, but he gives Dalton a run for his money in the final fight scene. If Dalton doesn't pull out the "Mijo Knee Smash" (the Wade special - respect), I think Brad pulls off the upset. Because the guy is pure cash and testosterone, it takes 4 hits from 4 different shotguns to take him out. All this is done in a room where every animal on Noah's ark has been shot and stuffed. If I could take advantage of a bunch of small town hillbilly business owners like Brad did, I would set up my life the same way. I would just be more wary of any upstart cooler with awesome hair coming in to wreck it all.
There are plenty of other things to love in this throat-ripping, wall-humping, Bigfoot car smashing roller coaster ride of a movie. My advice is to get some popcorn, heat up your manly curling iron, put your tape in your Mercedes tape deck, and enjoy the next two hours of your life. Don't worry, Dalton will clean house if anyone starts trouble.
JB3
Now when I say you should love Road House, this is not in a Schindler's List or Bridge on the River Kwai kind of way. This is not a good movie, this is a cheesy movie at its finest. Terrible premise, bad acting, gratuitous boob shots, and some of the best 80's hair you will ever see. Here are the top 5 reasons you need to not only watch Road House, but appreciate it for the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.
1) Bouncers/Henchmen: The bouncers and henchmen in Road House each cast a very distinctive niche, and many are noteworthy. Starting with Steve the Bouncer - Steve is the MAN! Steve don't care if that's a Sears credit card, get your underage ass in here and party. Dalton, you gonna fire Steve for hammering that same girl? Well, he WAS on his break. Steve is like a sexy honey badger. Other bouncers include Terry Funk (yes, Terry "I'm so hot, I'm juicy" Funk) - who uses his wrasslin' experience to go from face to heel and never does go to Barber College. Also, we have token "ultra fat" guys on each side. The ultra fat bouncer is just a generally jolly guy that is all smiles, rolls, and curly mullet and is just generally happy to have a job. The ultra fat henchman is "Tinker" (of course he is), and is pretty lovable for a guy who beats up old guys and manages to get a knife slash on Dalton. Tiny gets the last line of the movie with "A Polar Bear fell on me". That should tell you all you need to know about the awesomeness of Road House.
2) Dalton's hair: Swayze hair at its absolute apex. It's a feathered mullet. Let me repeat. FEATHERED MULLET! Even with that awesome description, it still doesn't do it justice. Dalton's hair is in the same category as Kojak's lollipop, Luke's lightsaber, or Dirk Diggler's uhhh... other Dirk. The movie just wouldn't be the same without it. I say if chicks can go to the salon and ask for the "Rachel", dudes should be able to hit up a cost cutters for a "Dalton"
3) Cooler Rankings: Supposedly, Dalton is the "Best Damn Cooler in the Business". Seriously, who is responsible for these rankings, because I want to be involved. What are the criteria? Drunk dude throwing capability, speed of delivery of matches for cigarette lighting, witty repartee while maintaining eye contact with the dance floor? In the age of reality television, we really need to make "Bouncer Games" happen. The challenges would be more captivating than anything Survivor can come up with, and the fact that you have to add alcohol for realism only makes it better. Get Mark Burnett on the phone, I think I'm on to something here.
4) Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett: Has there ever been a better screen mentor than Wade Garrett? Bite Me Miyagi, I need advice from my "mijo". Wade may fight on one knee and may spend a little too much time staring at my girl's ass, but give me the patented knee smash along with the salt and pepper mullet hair pullback move and I am all set. He may take a knife to the front of his wife beater in the end, but the wisdom and what I have to imagine is awful beer breath will stay with us for the rest of our lives.
5) Brad Wesley: Alright, I like Dalton, but I want to BE Brad Wesley. Here is a guy with a house on a river with a pool and helicopter pad (oh yeah, with helicopter too). He gets kickbacks from all the local businesses, he has the hottest girl in town as his in house stripper, and Christ, JCPenney is coming to Jasper because of him. He has a small army of henchmen who ride around in a Bigfoot - do I need any more reason? Lastly, he is old as hell, but he gives Dalton a run for his money in the final fight scene. If Dalton doesn't pull out the "Mijo Knee Smash" (the Wade special - respect), I think Brad pulls off the upset. Because the guy is pure cash and testosterone, it takes 4 hits from 4 different shotguns to take him out. All this is done in a room where every animal on Noah's ark has been shot and stuffed. If I could take advantage of a bunch of small town hillbilly business owners like Brad did, I would set up my life the same way. I would just be more wary of any upstart cooler with awesome hair coming in to wreck it all.
There are plenty of other things to love in this throat-ripping, wall-humping, Bigfoot car smashing roller coaster ride of a movie. My advice is to get some popcorn, heat up your manly curling iron, put your tape in your Mercedes tape deck, and enjoy the next two hours of your life. Don't worry, Dalton will clean house if anyone starts trouble.
JB3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)