Growing up, I liked rap music. A lot. I owned a Public Enemy shirt and a Raiders jacket. All I can say about that is yikes and double yikes... though I would still rock that PE shirt today if I still had it and it fit. Alas, neither of those is likely. I also wrote lyrics on my notebooks and I knew the numbers to the best rap videos on the Jukebox Network. I wasn't overly discerning in my taste back then. If you swore, you were cool. If you rapped well, even better.
The tape (yes children, "tape") that got it all started for me was from a small group of young'uns known for hangin' out, mixing it up, and causing a ruckus. Now, you may be thinking "The Monkees"!, but the tape I am referring to is actually "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.
Now, for those of you that don't know N.W.A - I am not going to expand on the topic here. You go ahead and Wikipedia N.W.A and Straight Outta Compton - get over the shock, and come back for the rest of the story... no really, I will be right here waiting.
To put it bluntly, N.W.A was a mixture of violent, antisocial, misogynistic, racist lyrics set to some pretty darn catchy beats. For a kid like me, desperately wanting to be rebellious and tough (while actually being much more conformist and certainly not tough at 4 ft 9 and 85 lbs), N.W.A was just the elixir to get my (lack of) muscles pumping to do some "dirt". Of course, "dirt" for me meant talking tough and not doing much at all. It certainly didn't mean grabbin' a shotgun and spraying a house party. I don't know if I could have even cocked the pump on a shotgun at the time. I shot a rifle once during that time, but that was up north at some cans that I missed by 45 feet. Let's just say that people were safe from gun play with me strollin' through the 'hood.
Over all the members of N.W.A., Ice Cube was my favorite. "Cube", as us 85lb tough guys would call him, seemed to have the best flow. Sure I was the devil to Cube, but I liked him anyway. When Cube took off from the group to go solo, and the subsequent "beef" took place, I remember hoping they put out a few more records before they killed each other. After all, Pac and Biggie hadn't hit the scene yet, and I really didn't want to gravitate from my Raiders gear to wearing Hammer pants. And yes, I did feel at the time those were the only two choices.
Cube did have a very successful solo career. AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted (Charming!), Death Certificate, Predator, Lethal Injection. I remember hitting up a Sam Goody (no, not ITunes, we had to get up and go get our music.... keep up!) for each of these and making mix tapes and memorizing the lyrics. I still know some and still really like some of the tracks. Cube was angry. Cube wasn't to be played with. Cube still really had a thing against Whitey, but inner city and suburban white kids loved him for it. I think it is safe to say that from 1988 to 1992, I thought Cube was the single coolest and toughest guy on the planet. How are the cops not arresting this guy? He's a menace to society, his rap sheet must be huge! Come on, Cube was bad ass. He took down "Zeus" in Friday - even Hulk Hogan was scared of that guy!
This brings me to today. Ice Cube... Coors Light? Ice Cube... TBS? Ice Cube... Are We There Yet? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE???
Let's start with Coors. Cube went from beefin' with the remaining members of N.W.A. to conversing with a can about who is colder. What, did the California Raisins push you off your turf? Sack up man. It is a beer - twist cap and drink. No further argument is needed. You even had to bring back up to the fight. By the way, grabbing Deebo off the sidelines to get a frost face is about as low as you go in sell out land. The 15 year old inside of me feels used. Are you telling me that was all just an "image"? Were you really not out there shooting people and telling the cops who is boss after you dropped a track or two at the studio? I feel like that kid in Eight Men Out after the 1919 Sox were accused of throwing the game... "say it ain't so, Cube".
Maybe I could forgive you for the beer ads. After all, I remembered you pitching "Crooked I" back in the day. A 40oz beer spokesman transitioning to a colder, smaller 12oz. container. I could live with that. What has me "SMH'ing" all over the place is that Ice Cube and Tyler Perry are pretty much the same guy now, but Cube wants to vascillate between Compton and Hollywood without us yelling "Bullshit!" at the top of our lungs.
The movie career made sense at the beginning. A couple cameos here and there as the tough black guy who ain't gonna take no shit from some killer snake (Anaconda) or any Iraqis (Three Kings). The "keepin' it real" and "droppin' knowledge" roles in Boyz N Tha Hood and Higher Learning were right in the proverbial wheelhouse (though the overacting in both is now more comedic than dramatic - but still fun). Lastly, Friday is a cinematic masterpiece and something that was played so many times on my VCR (be kind, rewind - all the old school stuff is getting thrown out there today) that the tape (man were we reliant on "tape") was worn to the nub. I love Friday to this day. It is still one of the most quoted movies in my circle of middle aged white friends.
However, the gangsta track veered a little off course and now I don't know where the hell we are. It started in 2002, when Friday After Next came out. Sorry, that sucked. Chris Tucker didn't sign on. At that point, you should have kept upping his payout or scrapped the project. Instead, you go with an imitation Chris Tucker and forgot that you weren't as funny without him. This is the first time I am smelling more dollar signs than street cred.
Then, the wheels come off when you decide to become Chevy Freaking Chase. You starred in "Are We There Yet" and "Are We Done Yet"? Come on Cube... Are you Serious Yet? Are You Just Messing With Me Yet? You play the straight man to some snot nosed brats, prat falling like banana peels were strung out all across Compton. Old Ice Cube would have pulled on his all black LA Kings hat and shot a look at those kids that let them know it is not wise to continue on this course. It may have been followed by those kids wondering if someone could actually "slap the taste out of their mouth" but not wanting to find out. That would have been it. Old Cube would have had both movies done in 12 minutes. Now you follow it up with a series on TBS with the same name. A sitcom? Cube... a sitcom? What's next? Kid's books, Cooking Shows, Lifetime Movies? I hear Martha Stewart is looking for a second to help her crochet a tablecloth. Call your agent.
Look, the moves themselves are fine. I understand people have to grow up and rebellion and constant swearing is a young man's game. However, the curtain is up now. The man behind has been revealed and you can't go back. Neither can I. The name "Ice Cube" should be retired. If you want a replacement, how about "Cha Ching"? That is what I hear when I see your ads for Coors and watch your commercials for TBS. Maybe that is what I should have always heard. The 13 year old me had to grow up sometime, right?
JB3
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