For those that don't know, Road House is the 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze. The premise is an all-world "cooler" (head bouncer for you not familiar with bar biz lingo) named Dalton faces off against a small town overlord in the fight for... well... I don't really know. But they are fightin', and the fightin' is good!
Now when I say you should love Road House, this is not in a Schindler's List or Bridge on the River Kwai kind of way. This is not a good movie, this is a cheesy movie at its finest. Terrible premise, bad acting, gratuitous boob shots, and some of the best 80's hair you will ever see. Here are the top 5 reasons you need to not only watch Road House, but appreciate it for the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.
1) Bouncers/Henchmen: The bouncers and henchmen in Road House each cast a very distinctive niche, and many are noteworthy. Starting with Steve the Bouncer - Steve is the MAN! Steve don't care if that's a Sears credit card, get your underage ass in here and party. Dalton, you gonna fire Steve for hammering that same girl? Well, he WAS on his break. Steve is like a sexy honey badger. Other bouncers include Terry Funk (yes, Terry "I'm so hot, I'm juicy" Funk) - who uses his wrasslin' experience to go from face to heel and never does go to Barber College. Also, we have token "ultra fat" guys on each side. The ultra fat bouncer is just a generally jolly guy that is all smiles, rolls, and curly mullet and is just generally happy to have a job. The ultra fat henchman is "Tinker" (of course he is), and is pretty lovable for a guy who beats up old guys and manages to get a knife slash on Dalton. Tiny gets the last line of the movie with "A Polar Bear fell on me". That should tell you all you need to know about the awesomeness of Road House.
2) Dalton's hair: Swayze hair at its absolute apex. It's a feathered mullet. Let me repeat. FEATHERED MULLET! Even with that awesome description, it still doesn't do it justice. Dalton's hair is in the same category as Kojak's lollipop, Luke's lightsaber, or Dirk Diggler's uhhh... other Dirk. The movie just wouldn't be the same without it. I say if chicks can go to the salon and ask for the "Rachel", dudes should be able to hit up a cost cutters for a "Dalton"
3) Cooler Rankings: Supposedly, Dalton is the "Best Damn Cooler in the Business". Seriously, who is responsible for these rankings, because I want to be involved. What are the criteria? Drunk dude throwing capability, speed of delivery of matches for cigarette lighting, witty repartee while maintaining eye contact with the dance floor? In the age of reality television, we really need to make "Bouncer Games" happen. The challenges would be more captivating than anything Survivor can come up with, and the fact that you have to add alcohol for realism only makes it better. Get Mark Burnett on the phone, I think I'm on to something here.
4) Sam Elliott as Wade Garrett: Has there ever been a better screen mentor than Wade Garrett? Bite Me Miyagi, I need advice from my "mijo". Wade may fight on one knee and may spend a little too much time staring at my girl's ass, but give me the patented knee smash along with the salt and pepper mullet hair pullback move and I am all set. He may take a knife to the front of his wife beater in the end, but the wisdom and what I have to imagine is awful beer breath will stay with us for the rest of our lives.
5) Brad Wesley: Alright, I like Dalton, but I want to BE Brad Wesley. Here is a guy with a house on a river with a pool and helicopter pad (oh yeah, with helicopter too). He gets kickbacks from all the local businesses, he has the hottest girl in town as his in house stripper, and Christ, JCPenney is coming to Jasper because of him. He has a small army of henchmen who ride around in a Bigfoot - do I need any more reason? Lastly, he is old as hell, but he gives Dalton a run for his money in the final fight scene. If Dalton doesn't pull out the "Mijo Knee Smash" (the Wade special - respect), I think Brad pulls off the upset. Because the guy is pure cash and testosterone, it takes 4 hits from 4 different shotguns to take him out. All this is done in a room where every animal on Noah's ark has been shot and stuffed. If I could take advantage of a bunch of small town hillbilly business owners like Brad did, I would set up my life the same way. I would just be more wary of any upstart cooler with awesome hair coming in to wreck it all.
There are plenty of other things to love in this throat-ripping, wall-humping, Bigfoot car smashing roller coaster ride of a movie. My advice is to get some popcorn, heat up your manly curling iron, put your tape in your Mercedes tape deck, and enjoy the next two hours of your life. Don't worry, Dalton will clean house if anyone starts trouble.
JB3
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